


The Troubles of Parenthood

by Elsey



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, F/M, M/M, Parent!AU, begins with cas/meg, begins with dean/lisa, eventual destiel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-11 04:40:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3314324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elsey/pseuds/Elsey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean Winchester's best friend's wife abandons him and their baby, Dean does whatever he can to help Castiel with his new child and his new life. As time goes on with many gains and losses to their family, Castiel and Dean are finding themselves unable to deny the chemistry between the two of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Meet the Winchesters

It’s an odd living situation to say the least.

After Dean and Lisa got married, moving in together was a must, but that meant that fourteen year old Sam would be joining them, so a bigger apartment was necessary, which is how the three of them ended up in a three bedroom apartment in the middle of Kansas City. Which is also how Dean and Lisa discovered that the combined income of a high school gym teacher and a public school substitute teacher doesn’t support a three bedroom apartment and a teenager very well.

And that was when Gabriel got involved.

Neither of them had wanted a roommate, especially not Gabriel after he showed his, uh, true colours, so to say, but they needed money for rent, and with that spare room… it just happened.

Soon after they met Gabriel, they met his brother, Castiel, who Dean instantly became best friends with. It turned out that Castiel had even just gotten a position teaching English at Dean’s school. Cas was over almost all the time, and it seemed like there were five people in the apartment instead of four.

Two years later, Gabriel was still living with them, but there was something different- Lisa found out she was pregnant.

The whole family, blood or not, was ecstatic. The only problem was that now a fifth member of the family would be born, and there were only three rooms.

And that’s when the most recent apartment change occurred.

At this point, Gabriel is financially well off to have his own place, or even move in with his brother and his wife, Meg. But instead, he stays with the Winchesters, because he knows that even though they hate him (while secretly loving him), they do need him. Lisa has a full-time job as a sixth grade teacher at a public school, and Dean still has his high school gym teacher job, but with those combined incomes going towards saving for Sam’s college and a new baby and all of the things the baby will need, the last thing the Winchesters need is the added stress of paying for a three bedroom apartment if Gabriel moves out.

So instead, they all move. They find a place a little further out of Kansas City, still an apartment, with five bedrooms. The place is huge, and with the rent split between the three adults, it’s almost cheaper than their central three bedroom place.

And now Dean, Lisa, Sam, and Gabriel all live together in a five bedroom apartment just two buildings down from Castiel and Meg, with Dean and Lisa’s schools a quick drive down the street.

The mornings are always the craziest.

“Toast!” Sam yells, and Dean ducks as he flings it across the room to Gabriel, who nabs it out of the air and shoves it in his mouth.

“It’s burnt, Samsquatch!” Gabriel yells back through a mouthful of bread, crumbs flying.

“Suck my dick, Gabrielle!” Sam calls back, chugging down a glass of orange juice.

“Hey!” Dean snaps, “watch the language!” Sam just rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, Dean, because when you were sixteen, you weren’t telling your six year old brother how to say ‘shit’ in German,” he says with a smirk. Dean opens his mouth and then closes it, fuming. Lisa wedges her way between them, getting fruit from the fridge. She pecks Dean on the cheek.

“He’s right, you know,” she says with a grin before she turns to cut the fruit and throw it into her yogurt.

“You’re all against me,” Dean mutters.

“True that, Dean-o! Well shit, I’m gonna be late- peace out!” Gabriel calls to them, already hurrying down the hall. “Oh, and Castiel’s here, by the way!” Just as Gabriel says that, Castiel walks into the kitchen, looking exhausted as ever. He smiles at the three of them, Lisa with one hand on her extended stomach and the other raised high in the air to keep her yogurt from getting in Sam’s hair, while the boy is trying to shove two peanut butter and banana sandwiches into his lunch bag. Dean’s yelling at the coffee maker at this point, and Castiel sighs- apartment sweet apartment.

“Cas, you want a cup?” Dean calls over, not looking up from his work on the machine.

“Yeah, I could use it,” Castiel groans, plopping down in a chair and letting his head drop against it.

“Meg up all night again?” Lisa asks, sitting down next to him and spooning yogurt into her mouth. Sam sits next to her, wolfing down his cereal and glancing at the clock. Castiel sighs.

“Yes. With the baby due just next week she’s panicking, as expected, I suppose. She didn’t exactly want a child,” Castiel admits. Dean sits next to him, thrusting a coffee cup in front of him. “Thank you, Dean.” Lisa’s brow creases.

“I don’t understand,” she says through more yogurt. “I mean, our baby’s due in what, five weeks? I’m not freaking out.” Dean snorts at that and Sam clears his throat. She glares at them. “What?”

“Well considering the fact that you woke me up last night in a dead panic asking whether we got baby socks or not, I’d say you’re doing just peachy,” Dean says with a grin, raising his coffee cup to her.

“Did not,” Lisa scoffs, crossing her arms over her stomach. Dean raises an eyebrow and she sighs. “Okay, maybe I had a teeny, weeny, tiny little moment where I worried about tiny little socks. But it’s not like I’m keeping you up all night.”

“Very true,” Dean says, turning back to Cas, who has himself propped up on one hand, eyes slowly falling closed.

“Do I need to tell the gym class that you won’t be available for second period English today, Mr. Novak?” Dean asks, snapping his fingers in front of Castiel, who jerks up, looking around the room. He groans.

“The baby isn’t even here yet and I’m already sleep deprived.”

“You can always crash on the couch,” Sam suggests. They considered turning the fifth bedroom into a spare room, but decided that a relaxation room would be better. A place that has something for everyone to go in and relax. Video games for Sam and Gabe, a record player for Dean, some kind of spa nail thingy for Lisa- everyone has something in there.

“If I leave Meg alone when she could give birth at the drop of a hat and I’m not at work, I’ll wake up missing my larynx,” Castiel says grimly. Dean claps him on the back.

“Congrats, man- you’re boned. Shouldn’ta married the evil bitch in the first place,” he mutters. Castiel narrows his eyes at his friend.

“She’s not an evil bitch, just hormonal. It’s not her fault.” Dean shrugs, and Castiel just shakes his head.

“Guys, we’re all gonna be late,” Sam says, the voice of reason amongst them all. The group rises, Lisa and Sam putting their bowls in the sink, Dean and Castiel chugging the remains of their coffee, the four of them grabbing the things they need for the day, before they all head downstairs and climb into the Impala. They drop Lisa off at the public school before heading over to the high school, the three of them getting out and saying their farewells before heading to their individual parts of the school- Dean to the gym, Sam to the history hall, and Castiel to the English department.

“Here’s to another shitty day,” Dean says brightly, walking into he and his co gym teacher’s office. Benny groans, head down on the desk.

“Remember when I said I don’t get drunk?” Benny moans.

“I SURE DO!” Dean yells directly in his ear. Benny’s hand pushes Dean away weakly before wrapping back around his head, which he thumps against the desk.

“Brother, I am so fucked,” Benny tells Dean, still not moving from the desk.

“That you are, my friend,” Dean says cheerily. He checks the clock, and sees that there’s still fifteen minutes remaining before class starts. “I’ll leave you to your wallowing, I’m gonna go check and see if Cas and Charlie are in for lunch today.” Benny makes some gesture with his hand, and Dean leaves the small gym office, snaking his way through the crowds of students and hearing bits and pieces of absolutely revolting things before he finally makes it to Cas’s room.

“Cas?” Dean asks, knocking on his door. Cas looks up from his papers, staring at Dean with an annoyed expression. “Lunch today?”

“Sure, Dean.”

“See you then.” Dean closes the door and continues through the throngs of kids, hurrying down to the tech wing.

“ASH IF YOU BLOW UP MY MODULE-”

“Calm down, Bradbury! I’m just making some adjustments!”

“Adjustments!? You’re tearing it apart!”

“Ash, Charlie!” Dean calls out. Both snap their heads towards him, glaring. “Lunch?”

“If I don’t kill this moron, sure,” Charlie tells him. Ash flips his hair dramatically.

“Dr. Badass will be in for lunch,” Ash tells him pointedly. Dean smacks himself in the face.

“Ash, we’ve all told you- Dr. Badass isn’t happening.”

“You’ll see!” Ash calls after Dean. “You’ll see everyone start calling me that!” On his way back down to the gym, Dean runs into Bobby, the auto teacher, and Ellen, the culinary teacher. Her daughter, Jo, is in the girl’s gym class that sometimes shares the gym with his boy’s. She’s a freshman, just two years younger than Sammy.

By the time he gets back to the gym, first bell has rung and Benny’s left to go to Gym B for his senior class, while Dean’s dealing with his sweet, darling, impressionable freshmen. It’s a health day, so the boys are all lined up in their regular clothes rather than their gym clothes.

“You know the drill,” he tells them, “get out to the portable and get ready for some scarring information about the human body.” The boys either sigh or laugh, and soon enough all twenty five of them are shoved into the portable. The smell is incredible- just the right mix of teenage boy, foot, and ass. It’s the smell of glory to Dean after these three years as a gym teacher.

“Mr. Winchester,” one boy at the back, Ed Zeddmore, says, raising his hand.

“Ed, if this is another question about the proper way to touch a boob, I swear that I’ll bring in Ms. Talbot and have you ask her that question instead of me,” Dean says, rubbing his hand against his face. Ed goes pale and shakes his head.

“N-no, sir, I was just wondering- we’ve learned all this stuff about ourselves, but when will we learn about… y’know, the girls?” Ed asks. Dean grins the best evil mastermind grin he has, and he can practically hear Harry Spangler shit his pants.

“Well, Ed,” Dean says sweetly, “since you asked so nice, I’ll tell you in advance what I have planned for today- pregnancy, from conception to childbirth.” Every single boy in the room is pale faced, wide eyed, and ready to vomit- just as Dean likes them.

“Mr. Winchester?” Aiden Whathisface asks from the middle of the room.

“Yes, Aiden,” Dean says, arms crossed over his chest.

“C-can I be excused?”

“Absolutely! Not. Is how that is finished. Absolutely not. Listen, boys- the school board, in all its infinite wisdom, has decided that the boys need to see the birthing video just like the girls. You guys just squeaked in- it was decided last year, and you’re the first boy’s class to see it when it’s not just some dick teacher trying to scar you. You wanna know what girls go through? I’ll show that puberty video next health class. But we might as well get the birthing video done first, hm?”

The boys all grumble their complaints, but sit quietly as Dean struggles with the damn VCR.

“Mr. Winchester?” Dean feels like strangling these kids today.

“Yeah?” he calls out.

“Aren’t you having a baby soon?” Dean shouts in triumph as he pops the VHS in, rewinding the video back.

“Uh, yes. My wife and I are expecting our first baby in just over a month,” he informs the class.

“But isn’t Sam your son?” Lucas asks.

“Sam’s my brother,” Dean tells them. They all nod slowly. “Video’s all loaded! And guys, if you need to puke, just run, okay? Don’t even ask.” That, of course, gets them even more on edge. Dean starts the video, and by the end, he’s lost half the class. He sits back in his chair, hands behind his head, watching the miracle of childbirth yet again (thanks mom and the school board) and enjoys watching his remaining boys squirm in their seats. When the bell rings, they’re all out of there before Dean can get a word in edgewise. Dean grins to himself, heading back to the gym office for his prep period.

Before he knows it, second period is over, and lunch rolls around. Dean stands from his desk, twisting and turning and popping his back. He startles when there’s a knock on the door.

“Mr. Winchester?” a tentative voice asks. Dean turns to the door, finding one of Sam’s friends, Zach, standing in his doorway.

“Hey, Zach, what’s up?” Dean asks, sitting down in his chair and gesturing for Zach to take the other. Maybe he won’t be making it to lunch after all. Zach plops down in the chair opposite of him, hands fidgeting in his lap, eyes glued to the floor.

“When I was in freshman year, you told us we could come to you with anything, right?” Zach asks, finally looking up at him. It’s strange, seeing a person who looks passable as an adult, but is really just a kid, staring at him with such trust.

“Of course, Zach. You can always come to me if you need help.”

“You comin’ to lunch, brother?” Benny asks, opening the door. “Oh, sorry, I’ll tell Mr. Novak you’ll be a bit late.” Dean nods at Benny and he closes the door. Dean looks back at Zach, gesturing for him to continue.

“You know Sarah Blake?” Zach asks. Dean thinks back- he vaguely remembers Sam mentioning a Sarah once upon a million years ago, but all the names tend to start blending together.

“I think so. She’s a friend of yours and Sam’s, right?”

“She’s my girlfriend,” Zach mumbles.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. We’ve been dating almost a year now.”

“That’s nice, Zach,” Dean tells him with a smile. He’s pretty sure where this is going- the old ‘can I steal some condoms?’ question.

“She’s pregnant,” Zach blurts out. Dean sits very still.

“Okay,” he says. “Who else knows?”

“Just me and her and her one friend Amelia,” Zach says, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck. “It was an accident, Mr. Winchester, a total accident, I was stupid and careless and-”

“Whoa, whoa, Zach, slow down, buddy,” Dean tells him, reaching forwards and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Breathe, okay? You need to breathe. In and out, got it?” Zach nods, taking deep breaths in before letting them out again.

“What do I do?” Zach asks, his voice tiny and fearful. Dean blows out a breath, running a hand through his hair.

“I wish I knew, Zach. I think you need to tell your parents, and she needs to tell hers. In the end, you need to do what’s best for the two of you.”

“What if she wants an abortion?” he breathes.

“I can’t answer that,” Dean tells him immediately.

“It’s just. I’m not ready to be a dad. I don’t know if I ever will be. But Mr. Winchester, I don’t want this kid- my kid- to die!” he says, and Dean can see the panic growing on his face again.

“Okay, okay, let’s think about this, huh? Neither of you have talked to your parents, I highly doubt the two of you have had much of an adult conversation. How about this- how about you go and see what she wants, and then you talk about your options, okay? Communication is what’s best right now. And Zach?”

“Yeah, Mr. Winchester?”

“No matter what happens, I want you to remember that ultimately this is her choice. It’s her body. It might be your baby too, but you aren’t the one carrying it. And if she does have it, and she wants to give it up, I want you to know that, as the father, you carry legal rights. And that’s all I can tell you right now.”

“I’m scared,” he whispers. Dean nods.

“It’s understandable. Is there anything else I can do for you?” Dean asks. Zach shakes his head.

“I need to go find Sarah,” he says, rising and, with a final tentative smile at Dean, leaves the room.

Dean sinks back in his chair, blowing out a loud breath and running his hands down his face. “Fuck me,” he grumbles.

“Careful,” Castiel says, appearing in the doorway. “there are a lot of teachers in this school who’ll take you up on that offer.” Dean rolls his eyes, moving his chair back to make more room for Cas.

“Listen, I know that you’ve wanted to jump my bones from day one, but we’ve already discussed a threesome with Meg and Lisa, and both have said no,” Dean tells him with a wink. Cas rolls his eyes.

“I’m sorry, are you supposed to be a teacher or a student, Mr. Winchester?”

“I prefer a child who teaches children,” Dean says, holding a hand to his chest. Shaking his head, Cas opens his lunch, pulling out a hamburger. Dean does the same, revealing some weird fruit shit and what might be a granola bar. He groans.

“Sorry,” Cas says over a mouthful of burger, “did someone not get what he wanted for lunch?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Dean grumbles, taking a bite out of a peach. “Lisa and Sam are ganging up on me with this health nut shit. I haven’t had white bread in two weeks.” Cas shakes his head, and holds out his burger.

“Take the last half of my burger and toss me your fruit bag,” Cas says.

“No, Cas, I can’t take another man’s burger!” Dean says in mock horror.

“Stop being a drama queen and take the damn thing,” Castiel says, shaking the burger in his hands.

“Well, if you insist,” Dean says, shrugging his shoulders and snatching the burger from Cas’s hands. Castiel rolls his eyes, grabbing Dean’s bag of food and looking through it while Dean shoves practically the whole burger in his mouth. “Sweet Jesus in heaven above- I could marry this burger, Cas. Oh my Gooooood.”

“Why aren’t you a drama teacher?” Cas jokes. Dean shakes his head.

“I can’t scar kids with vaginas if I’m a drama teacher.”

“That’s a fair point.”

“Speaking of vaginas, Meg must be calling you every two seconds,” Dean says. Castiel sighs, pulling out his phone as a text is sent to him.

“You don’t know the half of it,” he mutters, sliding the phone open and tapping away. “She’s not ready for this, Dean. I don’t know if she’ll adapt after the baby’s born or what, but I really don’t think she’s ready for the responsibility of another human life.” Dean blows out a breath.

“I don’t know what to say, man. All Lisa ever wanted was a kid. If anyone’s not ready it’s me, y’know?” Castiel snorts. “What?”

“Dean, if there’s anyone who’s ready to be a parent, it’s you. You’ve been raising Sam since you were ten, and then you took custody of him when you were nineteen! You’re ready. Trust me on that one,” Castiel tells him, taking a bite from an apple. Dean fidgets nervously, fingers moving his wedding ring around his finger.

“Just because I managed to keep the kid alive doesn’t mean I know how to raise a child,” Dean mutters. He doesn’t want to talk about it. About mom, who died giving birth to Sammy when Dean was ten. About dad, who went batshit crazy and took the two of them on the road, leaving to go binge drinking, Dean staying with baby Sam and changing his diapers and feeding him and loving him. About when dad finally died from alcohol poisoning, and Dean and Sam were finally free. Dean hates talking about it. Hates it.

“You’ll do great. Sam and the baby are both lucky to have you,” Cas says with a smile. Dean gives a tentative smile back. Both jump when Cas’s phone rings shrilly. “It’s Meg. Just a sec.” Cas flips the phone open, and before he can say anything, he goes deathly pale.

“What is it?” Dean asks, brow furrowing. Castiel holds a hand up, signalling for him to wait a minute.

“Okay, I’ll be right there. No, I need to hang up to I can tell the office. Yes. Yes. Okay. I’ll be there in twenty minutes. Yes, call the ambulance. Okay. Bye,” he says, hanging up the phone.

“Dude, what the hell? Ambulance?” Dean asks.

“Meg’s water just broke. I need to go,” he says, rising from the chair. Dean rises too and grabs his arm before he can leave.

“Cas, wait.”

“Dean, I need to go-”

“I know. Just get there. I’ll tell Gabe. Call us when it’s born, we’ll both be there.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas says, turning once more, Dean grabbing his arm once more.

“And Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Kick it in the ass.” Cas gives him a weak smile before he leaves the office, walking briskly down the hallway. Dean sits back down in his chair, hands clasped in between his legs, staring at the floor. Meg’s having her baby. Cas is going to be a dad. Dean’s going to be a dad. He doesn’t know what to think about it all, it’s just… it’s a lot, happening so quickly.

“Hey, where’s Cas?” Dean hears, looking up to see Charlie in the doorway. “He said he was meeting you here.”

“Uh, yeah, he’s going to the hospital,” Dean tells her, sitting up and shaking his head briskly.

“The hospital?” she asks. “Why?”

“Meg’s water broke.”

“Oh shit, really!?” Charlie asks, her face lighting up and a grin coming onto her face. “That’s fantastic! How’s she doing, when does Cas think she’ll have the baby?”

  
“Whoa there, Bradbury, asking questions that I don’t know. We’ll find out when we find out. And there’s the bell. Get outta my office, I have laps to make kids run.” Charlie rolls her eyes, but leaves the office, the grin still plastered onto her face.

“You ready for action, brother?” Benny asks, appearing in the doorway and popping some aspirin in his mouth.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” Dean grumbles, standing and grabbing his clipboard.

The remainder of the day drags by at a snail’s pace. When the last bell finally rings, Dean can hardly stand to wait for Sam to get to his office so they can pick up Lisa.

“What in the hell took you so long?” Dean demanded, already changed back into his jeans and jacket. Sam blushes in the doorway.

“Sorry, Dean, I, uh… I asked Jess Moore out,” Sam tells him sheepishly. Dean’s eyebrows shoot up. He steps forwards clapping Sam on the shoulder before he pulls him into a hug.

“Took you long enough!” Dean grins.

“Yeah, we’re, uh, gonna go out on Friday, see a movie.”

“Sweet! Which one?”

“Some new horror movie,” Sam mutters. Dean snorts out a laugh.

“You hate horror movies!” he laughs. Sam scowls at Dean.

“Yeah, but she likes them, so…”

“Aw man, I can’t wait to hear that you crapped your pants on your first date,” Dean tells him, shaking his head. Sam sighs.

“Whatever, man, where’s Cas, I just wanna go.”

“Oh, right, about that- Meg went into labour at lunch, Cas is meeting her at the hospital,” Dean says. Sam’s eyes widen and he punches Dean in the arm. “Ow! What the hell, man?”

“Cas’s baby is on the way and you didn’t even think to tell me!?”

“Sor-ry if I was a little busy, y’know, teaching!”

“You could’ve texted me, Dean!” Dean sighs, swiping his keys off the desk.

“Yeah, I know. Sorry. Maybe when Lisa goes into labour I’ll remember,” he jokes. Sam pulls a bitchface before leaving the office, stomping out to the parking lot with Dean just behind him. When they pick Lisa up, Sam immediately informs her of the baby being on the way.

“What, did your phone die?” Lisa asks. “And how did Cas even get to the hospital?”

“...shut up,” Dean grumbles, starting Baby and heading back to the apartment. The rest of the evening is quiet. Until Gabe gets home, that is. Luckily, Dean texted him as soon as they reached the apartment so that he couldn’t bitch Dean out like his wife or brother. Gabe starts pacing and eating as soon as he’s home. By six that night, Dean finally gets the call.

“She’s here,” Cas says breathlessly. “She’s here and she’s so beautiful, Dean, she’s tiny and cute and just- she’s beautiful.” Cas gives Dean the details of the hospital, and he and Gabe are off. Lisa and Sam both stay home- Sam has too much homework, and Lisa is exhausted from her day at work.

On the drive over Gabe is endlessly talking about his niece and how perfect she’ll be and how much he’ll spoil her- Dean almost punches him in the face just to shut him up. When they finally reach the hospital, Gabe is giddy on the way up to the nursery where Cas said he would meet them. They whisked the baby away when she was born- they said that she had excess mucus- and Cas told them she was in the nursery now.

“Dean!” Cas calls when he sees the two of them.

“And Gabe!” Gabe yells. Cas just rolls his eyes at his brother.

“Come see her, she’s right there!” Cas says, rushing the two over and pointing to a tiny pink bundle in the middle of the room.

“Aw, look at the little beauty!” Gabe croons. Dean claps Cas on the back.

“She looks great, Cas, like a little pruny monster thing!”

“Also known as adorable!” Gabe butts in.

“When can she leave?” Dean asks.

“The doctor said tomorrow or the next day,” Cas informs them.

“How’s Meg?” Dean asks, craning his neck to get a better view of the little angel.

“She’s… resting. She wouldn’t hold her. I’m… I’m hoping she’ll love her after some time.” Dean nods- he’s known quite a few mothers who haven’t been able to love their kids until a while after they’ve had them.

“How about we go see her, maybe we can cheer her up, bring her the baby!” Gabe suggests. Castiel snorts.

“You just want to hold her,” he states.

“You’re damn right about that! Look at her little face!” Cas rolls his eyes, but goes to speak with a nurse about bringing the baby back to her mother’s room.

A few moments later, they’re knocking on Meg’s door, Castiel grinning from ear to ear as he enters with the bassinet holding the baby.

“What the hell?” Dean hears, just behind Castiel. When he looks into the room, it’s empty. “Meg? Meg, are you in the bathroom?” Castiel opens the door and closes it, frowning. “She’s not here.”

“What’s that?” Gabe asks, pointing to a piece of paper on the bed. Cas snatches it from the sheets, eyes scanning the paper. He freezes for a moment before slowly looking up at the two of them.

“Cas?” Dean asks. “What is, what does it say?”

“She’s gone. Meg’s gone. She says she won’t be back. She doesn’t want me or the baby.”


	2. And baby makes six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note- this fic will be moving glacially slow with the Destiel. Dean/Lisa isn't here for much longer, but the Destiel will still be a while off after that.
> 
> Also, I'm Canadian, and I have no idea how things like paternity and maternity leave are in America, or how your healthcare system works. I'll be working off what I know of my own province's paternity/maternity leave and healthcare system, and that in this AU's America things like that operate as if in Canada. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments! Thanks for reading!

Cas takes his daughter out of the hospital two days later, Dean driving him and the baby, who Castiel named Claire, back to the man’s apartment building. Cas sits in the backseat next to the car seat that will be used for Dean and Lisa’s child.

“You sure you two will be okay?” Dean asks as they stop in front of Cas’s driveway, breaking the heavy silence that sat between them the entire way from the hospital. Cas lets out a sigh, looking up at the building.

“Yeah,” he says, turning his head to lock his eyes on Dean’s. “We should be fine. It’s been cleared with the school, anyways. Paternity leave here I come.”

“You don’t seem overly enthused,” Dean comments.

“Well I’m not. I was supposed to have help, however little it was, and now… Claire will grow up without a mother,” Castiel sighs. Dean rubs his hand over the back of his neck before he follows Cas’s gaze to the building.

“Cas, I can’t let you do this, man.” Cas frowns.

“Do what?”

“Take her back to that apartment that you and Meg lived in, and let you mull around in there all dark and depressed that she’s left you. Come live with us. Don’t give me that look- we have the spare room that we can clear out! And it’s not like this is anything permanent. Just stay for a month, until the baby comes. Get used to parenting, and have people around to help you.” Cas shakes his head.

“I couldn’t intrude on your life like that, Dean,” Cas tells him solemnly.

“Intrude?” Dean snorts. “You practically live with us anyway! Come on, Cas. It takes a village, right?” Dean’s eyes roam his face, trying to judge what his friend is thinking. Cas chews on his lip.

“I want to know that Lisa is okay with this,” Cas says quietly. Dean grins.

“She’ll love it! Claire will be perfect practice for her with our baby!”

“She needs all the rest she can get until it’s here, Dean,” Cas says slowly.

“She’ll be fine! She won’t even wake up- ever since she got pregnant, she sleeps like the dead. Seriously, one night I tripped in the kitchen and smoked my head off the counter, screaming to the high heavens, Sammy woke up, Gabe came and laughed- Lisa didn’t even flinch.”

“...I really feel like it’s a bad idea.” Dean waves his hand.

“Look at that precious little face. I want to see it every day.”

“Dean, you’re married,” Castiel jokes. Dean chuckles.

“See! I want to keep this Cas around. I don’t want you sinking into a dark hole of depression because Meg fucked off and showed her true colours.” Cas worries his bottom lips, eyes on Claire, who’s sound asleep in the car seat.

“Okay,” he says. “Come inside with me and call Lisa. If, and only IF, she says yes, we can start moving things. But I’m not staying with you, Dean. This is just until I can find a new place, away from… there,” Cas says, frowning at the building. Dean smiles, nodding and opening the car door. Cas pulls the car seat out of the Impala. He and Meg had a car that they shared, but upon returning home from the hospital to change, he saw it was gone. At least she had the decency to leave behind the car seat.

They trudge up the front steps of the building, heading inside and climbing the stairs to the second floor. Miraculously, Claire doesn’t eve stir. Cas lets out a sigh of relief. He puts the diaper bag on the table- it’s stocked with formula and package of diapers, although there are more in the nursery. Dean takes his phone out of his pocket and sits down next to Claire, waving Cas off to go and get whatever he needs. He dials the apartment, waiting for Lisa to pick up.

“Dean?” Sam answers.

“Hey Sammy. Lisa in?” Dean asks.

“Yeah, hold on,” Sam says. He hears his brother’s shuffling footsteps and mumbled words before the static of it being passed to another person.

“Hello?” Lisa says.

“Hey, Lisa, it’s Dean. I’ve got a quick question.”

“I told you, Dean,” she says tiredly, “I’m not giving you a blowjob while I’m pregnant.”

“What? No, not that. It’s about Cas.”

“Oh. How is he? And the baby?” Dean glances over his shoulder, seeing Cas go from his room into the nursery. He flashes him a quick grin, which Cas returns, but it’s a tired smile instead.

“Well… that’s what this is about. Meg’s gone, and now he’s alone with this baby in this shitty apartment with the shitty memories of his shitty ex-wife.”

“Get to the point, Dean,” Lisa says, stopping his rambling.

“Right. The point. Well, I offered for him to come stay in our spare room. Just until he can find a different apartment, so he doesn’t have to be reminded of Meg every two seconds. He’d be out before the baby gets here.”

“Dean, of course. You didn’t even need to ask. I can’t imagine what he’s going through, tell him he’s welcome to stay as long as he needs, don’t even worry about the baby. Hell, the two of them can share the nursery, it’s not like there’ll be much difference in their eating schedules,” Lisa says with a small laugh. Dean’s eyebrows raise.

“Seriously? You’re fine with this?”

“Don’t act so surprised, Dean. Cas practically lives here anyway. Besides, maybe he can get Gabe under control.”

“I am a fine room mate!” he hears Gabe yell in the background.

“Stop eavesdropping!” Lisa yells back, and he hears laughter.

“I’ll tell him now. We’ll drive the baby up, then come and pack up as much as we can into the Impala. Tomorrow’s… Sunday, right? I’ll call Bobby up, see if we can borrow his truck, and use that to move the couch and the bed. Give the couch to Bobby, he can sell it or burn it- the thing’s damn awful,” Dean says, shifting around on said couch as he speaks.

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll look after Claire with Sam, and I’m sure Gabe will supervise and then demand money,” Lisa says, and Dean can almost hear her eyes roll.

“See you soon. Love you,” Dean says.

“Love you too,” Lisa replies, and the line goes dead. Dean clicks his phone shut, shoving it back in his pocket. Beside him, Claire is still out of it, oblivious to the world around her. Cas appears behind Dean.

“What did she say?” he asks.

“She said that she would be personally offended if you went anywhere else. She also said you can stay forever, and Claire can share the nursery.” Colour rises in Cas’s cheeks.

“Dean,” he says, and Dean thinks he might see tears in his eyes. Dean stands, going to his friend and wrapping him in a hug.

“I know this sucks. Meg was a bitch, but you loved her- and this sucks. We’re here for you. Whatever you need, Cas,” Dean tells him, backing again and keeping his hand on Cas’s shoulder.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas replies.

“Now! Let’s get her clothes and blankets and shit packed, and we’ll move that and her down to the apartment, then come back for the shit we can fit in the Impala. I’ll give Bobby a call when finish and borrow his truck.” Cas frowns.

“What are we doing about the couch? There’s no room in your apartment,” Cas comments.

“Give it to Bobby,” Dean says with a shrug. “He could always sell it or burn it. Cas, it’s a piece of shit. We’ll get you a better couch when you leave,” Dean tells him. Cas nods, not fighting it. He’s been complaining about the thing to Dean for years. But it was Meg’s from college, and she wouldn’t give the stupid thing up.

“Okay. Will you watch her while I get things packed up?” Cas asks nodding at Claire with an adoring smile on his lips.

“Couldn’t tear me away if you tried, Cas,” Dean tells him.

By the end of the night, Lisa is sitting on the couch holding baby Claire on top of her stomach while Gabriel snores beside her, one finger still in Claire’s fist, Sam sitting at Lisa’s feet, head rolled to the side. Dean and Castiel have just finished clearing out the spare room and setting up Claire’s crib next to the crib that will be for Dean and Lisa’s baby.

“Was it worth it?” Dean asks Cas as they sit in the nursery, staring at their handy work.

“Was what worth it?” Cas asks, turning to face Dean.

“Meg. All of the shit she put you through. Was all of that worth it for this endgame?”

“Every second,” Cas whispers, taking Dean aback. “I wouldn’t change a minute if it meant that Claire would still be mine. She’s my everything, Dean. Everything.” Dean smiles at Cas.

“I can’t wait to feel that way,” he confesses. Cas offers him a smile back, standing and then pulling Dean to his feet, who cracks his back. When they reach the living room, they see the mess of people radiating around Claire, and Dean sees the grin plastered on Cas’s face.

“This is family,” he breathes. Before Dean can reply, Cas moves forwards, gently removing Claire from Lisa’s arms, who’s on the verge of falling asleep. Her head snaps up and she breathes in sharply.

“Oh,” she says with a yawn. “I was awake, I swear.”

“I know,” Cas tells her.

“C’mon,” Dean says, helping Lisa up and trying not to jostle Sam. “Lets get you to bed.” They make their way through the mess in the living room, wading past the things from the spare room and the things that Cas brought. A lot of things will go down to the storage room until Cas needs them when he moves out, like the extra dishes and the toaster and all that shit. Dean wonders how much they can fit in there from the spare room as he helps Lisa lie down on the bed. He gently smoothes the hair from her face and presses his lips to her forehead. She lets out incomprehensible words before turning away from Dean, a sigh on her lips.

When Dean gets back to the living room, Castiel is on the couch, back to Dean and legs over Gabriel’s sleeping body.

“Don’t move,” Dean whispers. He pulls his phone out, sneaking around them, and flashes a picture of the four of them, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Aw man, Sammy’s gonna kill me for this.” With that, Dean gently wakes his brother long enough to walk the gigantor back to his room, where he crashes on top of the bed, fully clothed, not giving a shit. Dean rolls his eyes and goes to the linen closet, pulling out an extra blanket and tossing it on top of Sam.

“Hrnfremitg,” Sam mumbles, and Dean takes it as a thank you. He leaves the room and passes Cas, who’s gently rocking Claire and has a bottle to her lips, pacing up and down the hallway with her. Dean goes to the living room and finds Gabe curled up on the sofa. He sighs, going back to the linen closet and grabbing a quilt, throwing it around the man.

“Hey,” Dean says, poking his head into the nursery where Cas ended up, now sitting in the rocking chair, “Gabe’s crashed on the couch. Take his room.” Cas nods, not taking his eyes off of Claire. Dean turns to go when Cas’s voice stops him.

“Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?” He hesitates.

“You really will make a wonderful father. I wasn’t saying that just to please you.” Dean snorts.

“Yeah? What makes you so sure?” he asks, leaning in the doorway and crossing his arms over his chest. Cas doesn’t look up from Claire’s face.

“Because you look at us like I look at her,” Cas says, raising his head. Dean’s brows push together. “You look at me and Lisa and Sam and Gabe like I look at Claire- like you would move the world to see us safe, and that you wouldn’t make it without us. That’s how I know you’ll be a great father. If you can look at people that aren’t even related to you like that- this baby will be the luckiest one ever born.” Dean’s arms are no longer crossed over his chest, and his eyes are watery as he looks at Cas, his eyes not focusing on one particular spot. He raises his fist to his mouth, clearing his throat.

“Thanks, Cas,” he says, voice barely above a whisper. Cas gives him a curt nod before he looks back down at Claire, his face softening as he looks at her. Dean gives a quick smile at the two before he turns out of the room, flicking off the hall light and heading down to he and Lisa’s bedroom. He shrugs out of his jeans and throws off his over shirt, climbing into bed in his boxers and Zeppelin tee.

He lays down beside Lisa, eyes wide as he stares at her while she snores softly. He reaches his hand out, the reflection of his ring catching in the soft light from the nursery, and places it gently on her extended stomach. Dean leans close, pulling the material of her shirt up and leaning close, pressing his ear against her flesh.

“Hey in there,” Dean whispers, his hand rubbing small circles on Lisa’s stomach. She makes a noise of contentment as he does.

“Dean?” Lisa mumbles. Dean raises his head, gently moving the hair from Lisa’s face.

“Yeah, I’m here. Go back to sleep, baby,” Dean whispers.

“Okay,” Lisa says, and the snores begin again. Dean puts his head back on her stomach.

“I don’t know if what Cas said was right,” Dean whispers, “but I’m gonna try, okay? I’m gonna try my hardest for you, little guy. Or girl. I promise.” Dean grins as he feels a pounding coming from Lisa’s stomach, the baby kicking furiously. Dean places a kiss where it came from, and moves up on the bed, kissing the top of Lisa’s head and pulling her close. She wraps her arms around him in her sleep, pulling him close.

“I won’t stop trying,” he whispers. “Never.” 


	3. The bacon bag

“Hey, Gabe, are you going to see that apartment with Cas?” Dean calls out, struggling to balance his bowl of cereal and a bottle while turning the tap on.

“Who else would be there to tell him how fugly it is compared to this beauty?” Gabe calls back, and Dean snorts.

“Good point. Get in here, I’m gonna drop my damn cereal!” Dean yells. Gabe appears in the doorway, quickly snapping a picture of Dean, who is cursing the day that cameras were put on cell phones. “Haha, Dean’s struggling, thanks for making it a memory- now get the fuck over here before I spill one of these milk’s on the damn floor!” Gabe rolls his eyes and crosses the room, taking the bottle from Dean and getting it ready for Claire himself. Dean leans back against the counter, spooning the cereal into his mouth slowly.

“If you crunch any louder I’ll force feed this formula to you, Winchester,” Gabe mutters.

“Mmmm, this cereal is so good,” Deans says, shoving a huge spoonful into his mouth and crunching as loud as possible. Gabe leans over the sink before sighing, shaking his head and taking the bottle to the nursery for Cas. Dean rolls his eyes, leaving the kitchen with his cereal still in hand and heading into Sam’s room.

“Dean! Ever heard of knocking!?” Sam yells, jumping half a foot in the air when the door opens and hurriedly throwing his pants on. Dean rolls his eyes.

“I changed your diapers and now you’re worried about your dignity being ruined? Calm down, Sam,” Dean tells him. Sam sighs, sitting down and pulling on his shirt and then his socks. Dean leans in the doorway, still eating his cereal. “What are your plans for the day?”

“I’m going over to Jess’s to study for that test on Monday.” Dean nods.

“And how are you getting there?” he asks.

“Jess can drive, Dean. She said she’d pick me up.” Dean walks over to the window by Sam’s bed and moves the curtains aside.

“It’s gonna be raining all day, and I hear there’s a storm moving in tonight. You sure you wanna be out driving with Jess in this?” Dean asks, motioning to the already drenched window.

“Yeah, she’s a better driver than you,” Sam tells him. Dean scoffs.

“I’m the best driver in the world.”

“Yeah. Sure, Dean.” With that, Sam stands, patting his brother on the shoulder before he leaves the room to go the kitchen. Dean turns and shuffles down the hall, walking into the nursery where Cas sits in the rocking chair, feeding Claire her bottle and rocking her back and forth.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean says quietly.

“Hello, Dean,” Cas returns.

“Is Claire going apartment hunting with you two?” Dean asks.

“Yeah, I figure she should get out, see the world, live her life,” Cas jokes. Dean chuckles.

“Me and Lisa could watch her if you wanted to go alone with Gabe.”

“Wait, Gabe’s coming?”

“You bet your nuts I am!” Gabriel yells from the hall. Cas groans, rubbing a hand against his eye.

“I already have to deal with one screaming baby, why do I deserve a second?” Dean just shakes his head, a smile playing across his face.

“I’m gonna go see if Lisa’s up yet. Let me know if you change your mind,” Dean says, leaving the nursery with a small wave. He enters his and Lisa’s bedroom, closing the door softly behind him. He places the cereal bowl on the dresser and slides into bed, running his hand through Lisa’s hair. “Lis, you awake?”

“Go away,” Lisa groans, rolling onto her back, her stomach gigantic against the bedsheets.

“You sure it isn’t twins?” Dean jokes.

“Dean I swear to God,” Lisa mutters.

“Fine, fine. How are the contractions?” Dean asks, much quieter this time. Lisa sighs.

“Still hardly there, just once every hour or so. We have a while yet before the hospital,” she tells him. Dean props himself up on his elbow, running his fingers over Lisa’s stomach and pressing a kiss to her lips.

“You’ll do great. I promise,” Dean tells her. She smiles at him in the dark.

“I wish it was you who had to do this,” she mutters.

“Unfortunately it’s not, though. Do you want anything for breakfast?” Dean asks.

“Bacon,” Lisa replies instantly. Dean frowns.

“I don’t think we have any. Listen, Sammy’s going to Jess’s and I don’t want her out on the roads in this weather. Why don’t I drive him to her house, run to the store, and then bring you back all the bacon you can eat?” Dean asks.

“Sounds like a plan,” Lisa says sleepily, yawning before she pulls the covers up further. Dean kisses the top of her head before he slides out of bed, grabbing his cereal bowl and heading for the kitchen.

“Sam!” he calls.

“What?” Sam yells back.

“Call Jess and tell her that I’m driving you! I need to go buy like six pounds of bacon!”

“Dean, she can drive me, it’s totally fine!” Dean walks into the kitchen, placing his bowl in the sink to wash later, while Sam sits at the table with three empty granola bar wrappers around him and one still in his hand.

“It’s not that I don’t trust her driving,” Dean says, sitting down across from Sam, “it’s just that this is shitty weather, and I’d feel better driving you myself.” Sam rolls his eyes.

“I’m not some precious little flower, Dean,” Sam tells him. Dean chuckles at that.

“You’re right, you’re not. But that doesn’t mean that I’ll ever stop seeing you as a precious little flower. C’mon, I’m gonna have a baby in the next two days. Just let me drive you, for my sake.” Sam sighs.

“Yeah, fine, whatever. I’ll call Jess now. Just be ready in twenty minutes, okay?”

“Who’s calling the shots around here anyways,” Dean mutters, standing from the table and heading back towards the nursery. “Hey, Cas, I’m taking Sammy out and then going for a grocery run. You need anything?”

“Do you think you could pick up some more peanut butter? We’re running low,” Cas tells him, having moved from the rocking chair to the changing table. Dean rolls his eyes.

“When aren’t we running low on peanut butter?”

“Well considering the fact that three people in this house survive on peanut butter, I’m gonna say that we’re always running low on peanut butter.” Dean huffs out a laugh, shaking his head.

“I’m gonna go hunt down my wallet. Good luck on the apartment search,” Dean tells him, leaving the nursery and heading to the living room, where he finds Gabe spread out across the couch, watching some procedural cop show on the TV.

“They cut the Dr. Sexy marathon,” Gabe tells him angrily. Dean’s eyebrows raise.

“Seriously? Ugh, Lisa and I were gonna watch that until she has to go to the hospital! That fucking sucks,” Dean grumbles, sitting down on the couch himself after he grabs his wallet and shoves it into his back pocket.

“Right? I was going to ditch Cassie to watch. Guess I actually am going apartment hunting now,” Gabriel says. Dean shakes his head.

“You poor son of a bitch.”

“Dean!” Sam yells from the kitchen.

“What?” Dean yells back.

“Are you ready to-”

“Listen here!” Lisa yells from the bedroom, making both Sam and Dean freeze. “I’m only a handful of hours away from bushing a bus through a tunnel half the goddam size of the bus! So shut the FUCK up and let me sleep peacefully for the last time for the next eighteen fucking years!” And with that, the bedroom door slams. Dean can’t help the grin that spreads across his face.

“Why are you so fucking cheery?” Gabriel grumbles.

“I think I’m ready,” Dean says. “I really do, Gabe. I think I’m ready.” With that, Dean stands from the couch, quietly asking Sam to get his bag and meet Dean out at the Impala. Dean grabs his jacket and makes for the door. Once he’s outside, he realizes that it’s more than just a drizzle- it’s pouring out. He groans and makes a mad dash for the Impala, sliding into the driver’s seat and trying to push the water out of his hair without getting droplets all over the damn car.

Only a few minutes later, Sam’s running to the car himself, and when he gets in he shakes like a dog.

“Are you kidding me?” Dean asks, gesturing at the water all over the seats and dash.

“What?” Sam asks, giving Dean those damn puppy-dog eyes. Dean sighs.

“Nothing. Just. Nothing,” he mutters, putting the car in gear and driving out to the street. They’re at Jess’s in fifteen minutes, and Sam says that he’ll be home after dinner. “Call me to come get you! This storm is just gonna get worse!” Dean yells as Sam runs from the Impala to Jess’s door. Dean waits until the door opens, and waves a goodbye, Sam returning the wave before Jess pulls him in out of the rain. Dean smiles to himself as he makes the drive home- Sammy’ll be just fine with her. He pats his pocket and freezes- where the hell is his phone? Dean pulls the car over, searching all of his seemingly endless pockets, but it isn’t there. He sighs. Oh well, it’s not Lisa will even wake up before he’s home.

Dean pulls off from the side of the road, driving back into town, taking a detour from the apartment to get to the grocery store. He parks the Impala and darts from the car to the store. Once in, he properly shakes himself off, grumbling about the stupid storm and why did he even come out in the first place.

As Dean enters, he freezes, eyes focusing ahead. He doesn’t know what to do- why is he here? How is he here? Dean and Sam left Sioux Falls, how the hell did he find them here?

Dean hasn’t seen Azazel in seven years, and he hadn’t planned on ever seeing him again.

Dean backs away- maybe he can get out before he sees him, before he even knows Dean is still alive- but Azazel looks up, and when his eyes lock on Dean’s, Dean wants to vomit. It’s the same. He’s the same.The same sick, sadistic grin, the same disgusting face, tongue darting out to wet his lips. Dean turns from the entrance of the grocery store and just runs. He doesn’t even go to the Impala, he turns from the store and runs around the building, down the sidewalk, just keeps running, can’t do anything but run, run from Azazel, run from his memories- run from everything.

Dean isn’t sure how long he was running for, but it’s when he reaches an empty bus stop and collapses on the seat in the small shelter that he realizes how badly he’s shaking. Dean sucks in breath after breath, eyes raised to the ceiling, fists clenched at his sides.

It’s okay.

It’ll be fine.

Azazel might not even have recognised him, Dean’s grown since he was nineteen, Azazel might just run and never come back. Dean’s hand involuntarily rises to his chest, which is criss-crossed with scar after scar.

There’s a reason he doesn’t take his shirt off anymore.

After a few moments of just sitting there breathing, Dean finally stands. His legs are shaking, but he can handle that. He leaves the bus stop, drenched to the bone, and starts the trek back to the grocery store. He needs bacon, and he needs to go home.

It’s a long walk back- twenty three minutes, to be exact. Dean can’t believe he ran that long. Now he’s probably going to get sick, and he just can’t get sick, not now, not with the baby.

Dean jumps when there’s a clap of thunder overhead- can this storm just take it easy? Jesus. When Dean reenters the grocery store, it’s like a hurricane outside- the rain is coming down in sheets and there are things blowing all over the road. Dean shakes his head- he just needs to get his bacon and leave. He wanders into the meat aisle and gets three one pound packs of bacon before he heads to the front and pays. The woman’s staring at him the whole time.

“Got, ah, got caught out in the rain,” Dean mumbles, and she nods.

“That’ll be eleven dollars, sir,” she tells him. Dean hands her a ten and a one before he takes his bag of bacon and leaves, fighting against the rain and the wind to get to his car. Once inside, Dean tosses the bacon on the passenger seat and just… sits. Sits and thinks. Thinks and sits. After a moment he picks up the bag of bacon and whips it into the back seat, throwing his hands against the wheel, smacking it as hard as he can and just yelling and screaming and getting it all out. By the time he’s drained of his anger, his palms are stinging and his head is pounding.

“Now is not the time,” Dean seethes, and he starts the car, pulling out of the parking lot and driving the seven minutes it takes to get home. He sits in the Impala for another few minutes, just holding his head in his hands. He sits up straight, sniffing and hoping he doesn’t have a cold, before he grabs the bag of bacon and leaves the car, not even caring about how wet he gets, considering the fact that he’s already drenched. When he gets home he closes the door lightly, just in case Lisa still isn’t awake- how long was he gone? Probably an hour or two. Dammit. Dean kicks his boots off and peels off his gross, wet socks before he enters the kitchen and throws his sopping wet jacket on the floor. He tosses the bag of bacon on the counter and strips down to his boxers, hesitating about taking his shirt off, but deciding that he can’t stand the feeling of it sticking to his chest, and tossing it on the wet pile too.

He pads down to the bathroom, grabbing a towel and throwing his boxers into the tub before he dries himself off. He looks at the pile of clothes from the day before in the corner, and sees a pair of underwear he forgot he had placed on the sink, thanking his lucky stars that he had. He pulls them and the previous day’s jeans (which he had been wearing for God knows how long in the first place) and heads down to his and Lisa’s bedroom shirtless, bare feet slapping against the floor.

Dean cracks the door open, eyes scanning the room. He freezes and shoves it open wider- the bed is soaked with blood, the sheets, the side of the bed leading to the floor- and there’s Lisa, curled up in a ball, two feet from the door. Dean flies forwards, taking her face in his hands.

“Lisa? Lisa, look at me! Lisa, open your eyes!” he shouts, and his voice cracks at his last words. He face is pale and covered in a sheen of sweat. Slowly, her eyes crack open, just barely.

“Some- thing’s… wrong,” she croaks out, before her eyes roll back and he head lolls to the side. Without even thinking, Dean scoops her into his arms, adrenaline pumping through his veins, his heartbeat in his ears. Dean runs through the apartment, wrenching open the front door and getting outside as fast as physically possible. When he reaches the lobby, he realizes that he’s left a trail of blood, he’s still shirtless, he soaked in blood himself, and Lisa’s breathing is getting weaker and weaker.

“I’ve got you,” Dean breathes as he runs into the storm, shielding Lisa with as much of his body as he can. He places her in the passenger seat and runs to the other side, starting the Impala and tearing out of his parking space, making a mad dash for the hospital. He glances over at Lisa, who is pressed against the door, eyes clamped shut and jaw clenched tightly as she whimpers.

“I’ve got you. I swear, Lisa. I’m right here. I’ve got you.”


	4. You are my sunshine

“Is there anyone we can call for you, sir?” Dean hears someone say behind him. He doesn’t move his head from his hands and doesn’t turn to face the person from where he’s sitting facing a blood-stained bed. His shirt is still off, he’s soaked in blood, and he doesn’t care anything anymore. “Sir? If you could give a name, a number- who can we call for you?” Dean’s head slowly raises and when he turns to face the nurse, his eyes are dull and lifeless.

“Castiel Novak,” he says quietly. “You can call him.”

………..

Dean must be a sight when Castiel bursts into the hospital room. Dean still hasn’t left. He hasn’t moved an inch, actually. When Castiel sees him, Dean hears him take a shocked breath.

“Dean?” he hears Cas say.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean mumbles, raising his head from his hands once more.

“I- what happened?” Cas’s voice is soft, careful. He feels a hand touch his shoulder and flinches away. He stands, crossing his arms over his chest and crossing the room hurriedly, head tucked down so his chin is touching his chest, teeth clenched tightly.

“Came home and Lisa was on the floor,” Dean breathes. His eyes flicker up and sees Castiel nod slowly, eyes wide. “There was so much blood, Cas.” His voice is full of pain, and his eyes show nothing but fear. “I got her here, but… it was too late.”

“Is… is she… Dean?” Cas asks, his voice cracking, tears falling onto his cheeks. Dean can’t do anything but nod. Cas surges forwards, wrapping his arms around Dean’s blood-soaked body. Dean goes stock-still before he reaches his arms around Cas, pulling him close and burying his face in his neck. He’s shaking and he can’t stop. Castiel is making soft, calming noises, and Dean feels his fingers in his hair. “I know… I know…” At first, Dean is angry- how can Castiel possibly know? But then he remembers. He remembers what Gabe told him. Their father had two children with his first wife, he and Castiel with his second, and she died when Cas was fourteen, giving birth to a little boy named Balthazar, who died at birth with his mother.

“I don’t want her to be gone,” Dean sobs into the fabric of Cas’s shirt. Cas pulls him closer, running his hand up and down Dean’s bare back, ignoring the blood was that sticking to his shirt from Dean’s torso.

“I don’t either, Dean.”

“I don’t know what to do, Cas,” Dean confesses. Castiel is quiet for a moment.

“We’ll figure it out. We always do.”

………..

Castiel forces Dean to use the hospital shower that the nurse tried to get him to use before he arrived. It takes some talking to, but he does it. They give Dean some nurse’s clothes to wear, since everyone is trapped in the hospital from the storm. When Dean is out and dressed, he can feel the numb spreading from his chest out and around his body.

“Hey,” Cas says, placing his hand on Dean’s arm. Dean shrugs it off, shaking his head.

“I need to call Sammy,” he mumbles. Cas nods, and they head over to the payphones. Dean borrows fifty cents from Cas and drops it into the machine, dialling Sam’s cell.

“Hello?” Sam answers. Dean feels relief flood through him- Sam’s fine. He’s fine.

“Hey, Sam, where are you?” he croaks.

“I’m at Jess’s. When are you coming to get me?”

“I can’t, buddy,” Dean tells him.”

“Oh.”

“And I don’t want you out on these roads, okay? Can you ask if you can stay over at Jess’s until this storm passes?”

“Uh, yeah,” Sam says, “just gimme a second.” Dean hears him walking and muffled voices. He leans against the wall, one hand covering his eyes. “Dean? You still there?” Dean straightens up.

“Yeah, Sam, I’m right here.”

“Jess’s dad says it’s fine. I just have to sleep in the guest room upstairs,” Sam laughs. “You know how Jess sleeps in the basement.” Dean forces out a chuckle, but it sounds strangled. “Dean? What’s going on?”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow, Sammy. Don’t worry, okay?”

“Dean…”

“Trust me. You’ll know in the morning. I gotta go. I… You know I love you, right?”

“Of course, Dean. I love you too.”

“Good, uh, yeah. Bye, Sam.” With that, he hangs up the phone. Chewing on his lip, his hands are clasped together, pulling on his fingers, before he moves to run them through his hair. Castiel moves towards him and leads him towards the seats that are across from the pay phones. “Where’s Gabe? Claire?”

“They’re fine, Gabe has her in the cafeteria right now.” Dean nods.

“Did you find an apartment?” his voice is barely audible. When he glances up at Castiel, he can see heartbreak in his eyes.

“Yeah,” he coughs, “Gabe likes it and Claire has a decent sized room…” Dean nods slowly.

“Un… unless,” Dean mumbles, and Cas’s head turns towards him. “You want to stay?” Dean sees all of the colour leave Cas’s face.

“Oh, no, oh God- I didn’t want to ask- the baby, oh my God-”

“Cas! Cas, he’s… he’s okay. He had some trouble breathing, and they put him on a machine. I don’t know if he’s off or not,” Dean whispers, eyes distant.

“We should go see him,” Cas suggests. Dean shakes his head slowly.

“I can’t, Cas. He… I’m not good enough. I let his mom die. How am I supposed to expect him to love me, to look at me, when- when I killed Lisa?” Dean can’t even look up at this point, eyes squeezed shut and head spinning.

“You didn’t, Dean,” Cas says, reaching his arm across Dean’s shoulders. Dean stiffens, but doesn’t push it away.

“But I did. If I’d just stayed home, if I’d brought my phone to check up on her-”

“Stop, Dean. You’ll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking these things. Look at me.” Dean keeps his head where it is. He feels Cas’s hands grab his head and gently lead it up. “Look at me.” There are tears in his eyes. “You have a son, Dean. A tiny little baby, who is innocent to this world. He needs someone who loves him unconditionally and someone who can teach him right and wrong. And that’s you. You didn’t do this. This is something that happened to you that you can’t control. And you need to accept that and do everything in your power to raise this kid right. It hurts like fucking crazy and it’s honest to God not going to stop. But you can’t let the pain consume you, because this isn’t just about you. I’m not going anywhere. Claire and I will stay with you, Gabe will stay with you, and Sam will too- we all will. You haven’t lost us, and you never will. Not if I have any say in it. This is incredibly long winded- and fuck, I’m crying, but dammit, Dean, we all love you so much, and you can’t put all of this on your shoulders when none of it is your fault. I… I think I’m done.” Dean is wide-eyed at the end of Cas’s speech.

“When did you get so goddam smart?” Dean asks, wiping at his eyes. His chest hurts and he wants to throw himself on the ground and never get up, but Cas is right. He has a child. An innocent son. Dean can’t have the time to hate himself when he has this life that needs him, that relies on him for everything.

Dean stands from the chair, licking his lips and looking down at Cas. “I guess we should go meet my son.”

“Do you have a name?” Cas asks quietly, standing from his chair. Dean thinks for a moment and nods.

“Lisa really wanted the name Ben. And her dad’s name was Isaac. So I think that would be really nice, y’know?” Cas smiles.

“I think that’s a wonderful name.”

When Dean holds Ben for the first time, Cas leaves him alone with his son. Dean brings him up close to his face, a watery smile stretching across his face as tears fell on his cheeks. Dean brought Ben close, shakily placing his lips on his son’s forehead before he places him on his shoulder, one hand on the back of his neck and the other gently cradling his body.

“I love you so much, Ben. And I promise that I’ll do my best. I’ll make myself better for you.” As Dean holds his son close, he begins to rock back and forth, back and forth, humming softly as he he goes. He leans his head down to rest it against Ben’s, and underneath all of the grief that is flooding through his veins, Dean feels calm.

Dean feels hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't guess from the title, the song I imagine Dean humming to Ben is 'You are my sunshine'.


	5. All the bad things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack. Ish. Don't know how often I'll be updating any of these fics, though. Don't count on it being soon. School sucks right now and I'm sick.

Dean wakes up with a crick in his neck. Groaning, he tries to sit up straight and move it, cracking bones all over the place. He blinks blearily, looking around and finding himself in a hospital waiting room, Castiel next to him, a baby carrier in the seat next to him, and Gabe with one arm draped over the carrier. Dean smiles at his friends, but it lasts only a moment. His mind is no longer foggy, and he’s sitting stiff as a board as the events from last night unveil themselves in his mind.

Azazel.

Blood.

Screaming.

A baby.

And Lisa. Lifeless in his arms, a sheet over her face, taken from the room. Dean’s hands start scrubbing down his arms, still feeling her sticky blood, all over him, everywhere, covering his entire-

“Dean?” Cas asks, gently placing a palm on Dean’s arm. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Dean didn’t even notice he was crying. Maybe it’s something that’ll just happen now. It wouldn’t surprise him in the least, especially after all the fucked up shit that just happened.

Dean stands from the chair, running his hands through his hair. He vaguely remembers a doctor speaking with him last night about organ donation, that it would need to happen right then, and that Dean needed to make a decision. He almost throws up when he remembers that he said yes, that he told the doctor Lisa would want it, to take what he needed. His Lisa. All cut up and broken, even more so than when she died.

Dean must have looked worse than he felt, because Castiel’s hand was on his back, leading him away from the chairs and to the elevator, pressing a button, keeping his hand firmly on Dean’s back. Dean didn’t speak; he couldn’t, he just… couldn’t. They ride the elevator until it dings, and Castiel leads him to a window.

“Right there,” he says, pointing at little Ben in his carrier. The oxygen had been removed fairly quickly; there were, luckily, no lasting effects, and Ben had just been a little short of breath when he came into the world. “Right there is the reason that you cannot lose faith, lose hope. He needs you more than anything in this world. Everything hurts. Everything is terrible. But not him. He’s worth it. I promise you.” Dean nods shakily. He takes a deep breath, running his hands through his hair- oh, God, this is going to become some kind of habitual addiction thing isn’t it?

“Thanks, Cas,” he says instead of all of the things that are really running around his head. The doctor comes over and speaks with them for a brief moment, about Lisa, about Ben- Lisa always wanted to do that weird tree thing, said it was organic or some bullshit, but Dean honestly had no idea how it worked and the doctor looked at him like he was nuts, so Dean said cremation. He would make a tree grow off those ashes if it was the last thing he ever did. Ben would be kept for another night for observations on his breathing, just in case. The doctor suggested Dean go home, take a shower, a nap, get everything ready. After all of the doctor’s words, Dean nods.

“Thank you,” he mumbles, and the doctor walks away.

“What do you want to do?” Cas asks, hand still touching Dean’s back. He’s real. This is real. Cas is real. He must be, he’s touching Dean, after all.

“I don’t want to leave him,” Dean mumbles.

“Okay,” Cas says. “What if someone else was with him? What if you, me, and Claire went to go and get Sam, stop for things for Ben, while Gabe stays right here and watches him? He can call if anything goes wrong.” Yeah. Yeah, that seems good, like a plan.

“Okay,” Dean says softly. Castiel smiles softly at him and shoots out a text to Gabe, who is upstairs with the baby carrier only a few moments later.

“Hey bucko,” Gabe says quietly. “He’s in good hands, I promise.” Dean nods, and Castiel leads him away, back to the elevator. “I just fed her, so she should be sleeping soon,” Gabe murmurs as they pass. Claire is staring at Castiel with wide blue eyes, and Dean cracks a small smile at her expression of confusion.

They reach Cas’s car quickly, leaving the Impala because it’s further away in the parking lot. And… the blood…

Dean clears his mind, sitting stock-still in the passenger seat as Cas buckles in the baby carrier before hopping in the front seat. He blows out a loud breath, turning the ignition and driving them out from the hospital parking lot.

As they drive, Dean stares out the window, wondering what life would be like if Lisa was fine. She would be holding Ben, smiling that smile between pain and happiness, but she would be happy, Dean knows she would be. He would sit next to her and stroke Ben’s soft hair, and they would smile at each other. He thought about the life that was ripped away from him as they drove and drove and drove, about how unfair everything is and how nothing can ever seem to go right for him in this lifetime and all he wants to do is scream and throw up and run away and-

“Dean, we’re here,” Cas says, gently touching Dean’s shoulder. He flinches, looking up at Jess’s house.

“Right,” he says, unbuckling his seat belt and stepping out of the car.

“Do you want me to come?” Cas asks as he’s about to close the door. Dean ponders the thought for a moment, but ultimately shakes his head.

“This is something I need to tell Sam myself.”

He closes the door, walking up the steps and knocking on the door. Jess answers, hair a rat’s nest atop her head and pyjamas wrinkled.

“Dean!” she exclaims, smiling brightly before she takes in his appearance. “I’ll… get Sam. Just. Hold on. Come in, though, I mean. Yeah.” She ushers him inside before disappearing into another room. Dean stands still, not moving, not really even thinking. And then his moose of a little brother appears in the doorway, worry etched into his face as he takes in Dean’s expression. His face falls.

“Dean,” he breathes, approaching him slowly, like he’s a spooked animal. Dean opens his mouth to speak, but closes it again. Sam looks like his world has been destroyed. Dean knows the feeling. Sam rushes forwards, taking his brother into his arms. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I never should have left, I could have helped, I’m so sorry Dean, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” And Dean lets him get it out, gently stroking his fingers through Sam’s hair, mumbling into the top of his head, hoping to be calm, to be soothing.

“It’s not your fault,” he murmurs, and Sam shakes his head.

“It’s ALL my fault, if I’d’ve just stayed…” It continues on like that for five more minutes, Sam crying into Dean’s borrowed shirt. Jess and her parents come by the front hall, but Dean shakes his head and they disappear back into what Dean believes is the living room.

Eventually, Sam pulls back from Dean with a sniff, wiping his hand across his nose.

“It’s no one’s fault, Sam,” Dean says, but he knows he sounds robotic, stiff, unbelievable. “You need to trust me on that. This is just a… a crazy accident. Lisa wouldn’t want us dwelling on it, okay? She’d- she’d smack us both if she knew we were crying over her instead of making googly eyes at the baby. Okay?” Sam sniffs again and nods. “His name is Ben.” Sam looks up with such PAIN in his eyes that Dean can hardly stand to look at him. How could Cas even come near him last night?

“Can I hold him?” Sam whispers.

“Of course,” Dean tells him, and Sam surges forwards for another hug. “Go get your bag and meet me back down here, okay?” Sam nods, brushing the tears from his face, and goes upstairs. Dean walks into the Moore’s living room. “I’m sorry,” he starts, “I must look like a total mess…” Jess is crying, and Mrs. Moore is stroking her face. Mr. Moore looks distraught.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Dean. Tell Sam to take all the time he needs before visiting again.” Dean nods.

“I’m gonna take him home,” he says, but he isn’t sure why. Mr. Moore’s eyes flicker down to his shoes- still speckled with Lisa’s blood- and nods.

“You do that, son. And Dean? I’m- I’m sorry for your loss.” Mrs. Moore looks up and her eyes are full of enough sympathy that Dean understands what she wants to say.

“Thank you,” he says as Sam comes down the stairs. Dean wraps his arm around Sam’s shoulders and leads him from the house and out to Cas’s car.

“Dean?” Sam asks as they make their way down the walk.

“Yeah?”

“Are you… did you have to change because…?”

“Yeah, Sammy.” Sam stops, tears spilling over his lids.

“Why do all the bad things have to happen to us, Dean?” And his voice is so high and the tears are there, and the words caught in his throat and he’s so YOUNG and he’s so INNOCENT and Dean… Dean doesn’t have an answer for him. He really and truly doesn’t. “We were- we were happy, Dean! We were happy!” Dean pulls Sam into another hug.

“I know, Sammy, I know. I wish I had an answer, but I don’t. I’m sorry.” 


	6. The forgotten night

Two days later, Dean is staring at the Impala with his son in his arms. Castiel and Sam are beside him.

“I, uh, I cleaned the car. Thoroughly. It. It should be fine, for you, and for Ben. I made sure the car seat is suitable. Everything at home is ready. Gabe’s ready for us with Claire, so. I can drive, if you wanna sit with Ben.” Dean nods through the conversation, not really catching anything that’s being said. He can feel Sam’s arm on his shoulder, grounding him, but Dean feels as if he’s on another planet.

“Dean? Do you want me to put Ben in his car seat, or are you okay to do it?” Sam asks, carefully, as if Dean will break, shaking Dean’s arm a little.

“What? Oh, yeah.” He looks down at the look bundle in his arms, Ben opening his mouth and squinting up at Dean, his little eyes unfocused. Dean smiles a small smile, a short breath leaving his lips. He moves to the back of the car, gently putting Ben in the backseat, but quickly- the cold air surrounded them, and he couldn’t help but worry about Ben getting sick. He looks at his son for a moment longer before gently closing the door. He moves to get in on the other side, Cas getting into the driver’s side and Sam the passenger. Dean squeezes his eyes shut, trying not to look at the front bench, red flashing before his eyes. Taking a deep breath, Dean focuses on Ben. Adorable little Ben, who’s eyes are now open and staring at everything for moments at a time before going cross eyed once more. Dean can’t help the smile that comes to his face when he sees his son smile.

The car starts to move, and Dean realizes that this is Ben’s first car ride. He should document this. Take a picture or something. He grabs his phone from his pocket, snapping a shot of the little dude in the car seat and saving it for later. He doesn’t have any pictures of Ben from the day he was born. He doesn’t know whether he should regret that or not.

As they drive along, Dean zones in and out of being awake. When was the last time he really slept, anyway? He supposes that he’ll be thinking that for the next eighteen years, though.

When they pull up in front of the apartment, Gabe is there with Claire in his arms, smiling at them. Dean doesn’t really know what to say when he gets out of the car, but he doesn’t have the chance to think about it.

“Out of my way, buster!” Gabe announces. He hands Claire to Dean, who’s startled by the motion, and moves to get Ben out of his car seat. Gabe pulls the baby close to his chest, nuzzling up next to him. “Aren’t you an adorable little ray of sunshine?” he coos, and Dean feels a lump rise in his throat.

“He really is,” he whispers. He feels Cas’s hand on his back, and he relaxes slightly.

“Do you want me to take her?” Castiel asks.

“Nah,” Dean says. “I’ve got her.” Her looks at Gabe and Ben. “I’ve got this.”

………..

They spread Lisa’s ashes a week later. They take her back to the old farm that she grew up on, long abandoned, and they let them loose out behind the barn. They leave the kids at home. It’s just Sam, Dean, Cas, and Gabe. Dean’s still numb then, still isn’t really sure what’s going on. But he gets through it, and he feels like Lisa would have been happy to be resting here in her forever.

………..

Ben is already a month old and Dean can barely believe how much bigger he is. Of course, he’s still a tiny little monster, but he seems more like a real human now. Like he’s real, and Dean’s not just dreaming. It’s as if Dean’s snapped out of it, and he’s not sure if that’s good or bad. He’s not just listlessly going about his day and caring for his son and his brother; now he’s tired, he can feel it everywhere all the time. Not only does he not sleep, but he realizes that he’s not sleeping, whether it’s because Ben is up or Claire is up or he just can’t will himself to sleep in that bed and ends up bent over the arm of the couch.

His days rotate between feeding and crying and diaper changes and brief naps and welcome home Sam and passing Castiel in the hallway, each with their own baby, but for two people living in the same apartment neither really says much to the other. Dean thinks Castiel is trying to give him his space, but he doesn’t know what to do with the space he’s been given.

Sam’s been hovering the whole time. Jess has been coming to the apartment rather than Sam going there, and one day Dean just kind of snaps.

“I’m not gonna break, Sammy. Just go out and have fun, okay? Spend the night as Jess’s, go wild- but not too wild- and let loose. I’m fine here. I promise.” Sam seems nervous about it, but eventually takes Dean’s advice. Dean has to give the same speech to Gabriel and Castiel, but only Gabe listens. So, on a lonely Saturday night, Sam takes Jess out to dinner and a movie before heading back to her place, and Gabe announces that he has a blind date with a woman named Kali. Gabe drops Sam at Jess’s and then goes on his date, and Dean and Castiel are left alone in the living room with two babies.

“Boy he’s looking big,” Castiel comments as Ben sucks on his bottle. Dean smiles a little.

“I can hardly believe how fast he’s growing,” he mumbles. Castiel nods.

“I feel the same about Claire. It feels like just yesterday she was so tiny… not that she isn’t now, of course,” Cas laughs, and Dean chuckles with him. They spend an hour on the couch until Ben grows tired. Dean takes him to the nursery and lays him down in his crib, keeping his hand near his son and humming ‘Hey Jude’ until he can hear his soft, sleepy breaths. Dean whispers a good night to Cas, who’s rocking Claire to sleep in the living room, and heads to his own bed. He feels like he’s about to crawl out of his skin; Cas is holed up in the living room and he has no choice but to strip down and get into the bed. He’s cleaned the floor, changed the sheets, done everything he can- but he feels dirty.

He lays there for a while, staring up at the ceiling and wondering why this was such a big deal, why a bed was doing all of this to him, why he couldn’t just move on, get past it… He knows these thoughts are ridiculous- of course this is going to take time, Lisa was the love of his life, for Christ’s sake. He can’t be a manly man all the time.

Eventually, the exhaustion takes hold, and Dean is plunged down into sleep.

Red. Everything is so vividly red. Dripping from his chest, down, down, down, to the floor, pooling, laughing, someone is laughing. Dean snaps his head up and feels so much pain in his chest and he groans.

“Don’t want to ruin that pretty face, do we?” He can feel the heat in his torso, criss-crossing his back and chest and he struggles, twisting and turning, but it just makes it worse, so much worse. The voice again, but far away, far away… “Always the good older brother, Dean. Always protecting him. Always…”

The is back, but he’s not him, it’s not him. She’s dying, she’s dying right in front of him and he can’t stop it, and she’s right there and she’s calling him and he can’t save her, he can’t save her-

“...Dean…Dean…”

“DEAN! DEAN!”

His eyes flash open, a dark face hovering above him, shaking his shoulders. “DEAN! DEAN! Open your eyes! DEAN!” Dean coughs and, in a blind panic, throws Castiel off of him, throwing himself in the opposite direction, landing on the floor with a THUD, the breath leaving his lungs. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, oh God, he can’t-

He feels someone touching him and pushes them away, get away. His arms wrap around his bare chest, trying to protect himself, to keep everyone away, to keep everything away.

He feels himself being pulled into a sitting position, he can feel arms around him- he won’t open his eyes. He’s sobbing, he knows he’s sobbing, and he can’t stop. He feels someone breathing deeply behind him, their chest rising and falling slowly. Soon enough, his own chest his doing the same, and his gasping breaths have slowed enough that he can hear the faint humming that’s coming from behind him.

His mind clears, and all he feels is exhaustion. He can hear crying in the background. He feels a sharp pain in his elbow.

“Ben. I need- I need to get-”

“Shh,” the voice whispers, keeping Dean in place. “Don’t worry, he’s fine. I’ll get him. Don’t get up too quickly, you’ll just fall back down. You need to let me help you. Do you understand, Dean?”

“Cas.”

He doesn’t ask, he knows. Of course it’s Cas. Who else would it be?

“Yes, it’s Cas. Let me help you.” Dean nods, and Castiel moves to let Dean be against the wall before helping him to his feet. Dean feels a flash of pain in his elbow and winces. “It’s fine. You broke a lamp, nothing new. We’ll get you to the kitchen and look at it, okay? After we get that cleaned up I’ll go take care of the babies. It’s okay, Dean, everything’s under control. You’re safe. I promise that you and Ben are safe.” Dean can feel himself beginning to breathe again. He can feel himself calming down.

He leans heavily on Cas, feeling wide awake but half asleep, as if his brain is on red alert, but his body is too exhausted to function. Cas washes away the blood and takes bits of broken glass from his elbow. Dean watches in a daze. A bandage is placed on his arm, and then gauze wrapped around it. He feels Castiel’s arms wrap around him.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dean can’t help but laugh.

“I’m not seven, Cas.” And the look on Castiel’s face- Dean can’t even describe it.

“Dean,” he says, and he’s so serious Dean is speechless, “if you ever need to speak with anyone, ever- I’ll listen. I’ll never judge. I swear to you, I am always here. No matter what.”

And Dean can’t help but whisper, “Thanks, Cas.” Cas nods, rising from his chair. Dean hears the crying get louder as Castiel opens the nursery door, and he knows he should get up, he should help, Cas isn’t responsible for his son. But he’s just so tired. So tired.

Dean wakes up in his bed knowing that he fell asleep at the kitchen table.

He doesn’t talk about that night again, nor what he dreamt of.

Cas doesn’t bring it up either.

 


	7. The explosion

It’s been two weeks and the daze is back. Dean won’t admit it, of course. He’s too stubborn for that. He thinks he’s hiding it well; hell, he knows he’s hiding it well. Last time Sam was on his ass, Gabe, Cas- he could barely breathe they were so close to him. This time, however, everyone is going about their own business. Sam’s leaving for school, Gabe for work. Cas waves goodbye as he takes Claire and Ben out for a ride in their double stroller; Dean usually goes with him, pretending to be cheery, happy, a good father. This time Dean needs to go shopping, and so Cas leaves alone. Which leaves Dean alone. Shit.

The second Castiel leaves, the smile leaves Dean’s face. It’s instantaneous. Dean isn’t sure he realizes that it’s gone. The false hope that’s been living inside of him, the fake joy he’s been clinging to for these two long weeks, dissipates. Dean releases a massive breath, eyes slowly rolling back in his head as he feels waves of tension leave him. It’s his first time alone in two weeks and he doesn’t know how long this feeling of complete and utter relief will last. He stumbles backwards, somehow landing on the couch. He feels as if he melts into it, letting the exhaustion wash over him.

After a moment, though, Dean feels the guilt. The gnawing, dark guilt that’s always at the edges, always there. He stands, and as he does, he shoves it back, he shoves everything back, locking it away in a corner of his mind and moving to the front door. He takes a deep breath and releases it slowly, grabbing his keys and checking to make sure his wallet is in his pocket before he leaves the front door, taking the stairs to the lobby rather than the elevator. He gets in the car and drives. Goes to the grocery store. Buys the things that he has written down that the six of them need. Checks out. Gets back in the car. Goes home and takes two trips with the groceries. Puts them away.

And the apartment is still empty. Sam is still at school, Gabe at work, Cas out with Ben and Claire. Dean’s alone. Dean hasn’t been alone with nothing to do in quite some time, and, unlike this morning, he has nothing to fill the alone with. The thoughts creep back into his mind. The thoughts of ‘you have to man up and forget about this numbness’, the thoughts of ‘you should have saved her’, the thoughts of ‘you’ll never be a good enough father to that boy’. Dean pushes and pushes at them, but they just push back until eventually he’s sitting on the floor, fists balled, eyes squeezed shut, head slammed back into the wall, trying to keep himself together. He let go once, two weeks before, he let go in his sleep and it was horrible, the dreams, the cut, waking up to Cas- he can’t do it again. He can’t. He can’t pile his fuckups on his family, especially the part of the family that isn’t blood, that he doesn’t deserve.

Dean hates himself, and he especially hates himself for hating himself, because he knows that self loathing gets you nowhere and that he just needs to buck the fuck up and get back on his feet. It’s so much, though, it’s all so much…

He rises from the wall, hands gripping at his hair, jaw clenched, trying to just FORGET, to be normal, to not FEEL all of this, to not feel like he’s drowning. With a yell, he slams a fist into the wall, wincing immediately at the pain that rips through his knuckles. He feels the regret immediately- now he’s bleeding, now there’s a hole in the wall he needs to explain, now he might need to go to the hospital and FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK-

He’s on the floor again, arms wrapped around himself and head in between his knees. Dean is fairly certain that tears are tracking their way down his face, but he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t care anymore. He knows he needs to, for Ben, for Sam- but he doesn’t. The empty won’t stop eating him from the inside out. He isn’t good enough. He never was.

He stands once more, wiping at his eyes and smearing blood on his face. He looks down at his hand- the drywall cut him and the blood is still flowing. Cursing, Dean moves into the kitchen, running his hand under the water and flinching, trying to wash it out as much as he can. He rubs at his face, removing the blood from under his eyes. When he turns back from the sink, Castiel is there, the stroller in front of him, concern etched into his features. Dean keeps his eyes low as he opens the cupboard, grabbing the gauze and wrapping it around his knuckles before he moves forwards, scooping Ben carefully from his seat and mumbling to him as he moves into the nursery at him, trying to ignore Castiel as best he can.

He can hear the weary sigh that leaves his best friend as he enters the nursery and a pang of guilt runs through him. “Fuck,” he mutters. Ben whimpers in his arms. “Oh, shit, sorry buddy, not you. That was to the whole world, y’know?” Dean shifts him in his arms, rocking him gently. “I’d never curse you. Never. You’re my favourite, but don’t you go telling Uncle Sam that, and especially not Uncle Gabe, he might have an aneurism.” Dean continues to pace the small room, rocking a slowly quieting Ben as he goes. “I know this isn’t ideal, little man, I know, but… it’s the best I can do right now.” Dean leans back against the wall, slowly sliding down, not taking his eyes of off Ben’s as he does. He sits, knees up to support Ben in his arms. “I don’t think I’d be here if you weren’t here. I know, I know- that’s a lot of pressure for such little shoulders. But I think you’re handling it pretty well. I wish… I wish it wasn’t all on you, ‘cause you’re still so little, so vulnerable… I’m so scared for you, Ben. So, so scared. But I’ll never stop loving you. Never.”

He snaps his head up when he hears a click, seeing the door close. Dean throws his head back against the wall, shutting his eyes.

Shit.

Cas wasn’t supposed to hear that. Cas is supposed to think he’s getting better, and now he knows he isn’t. “Fuck,” Dean curses again. When he looks down at Ben, the boy is still staring back at him with wide eyes. “Do you ever sleep?” Dean carefully stands from the floor, shifting Ben to one arm and using the other to pull himself from the ground. Heaving another sigh, Dean heads to the door, opening it and looking around. There’s no sign of Castiel as Dean heads down the hall. He finds him in the living room, Claire on the mat grabbing at the toys above her head while Castiel flips through a book. Dean places Ben down beside her, dropping down next to Castiel.

Not looking up from his book, Castiel begins to speak. “When I was thirteen, my mother told me she was going to give me another sibling.” Dean’s head snaps towards him. Castiel doesn’t look up. “I was worried. She wasn’t exactly young, she’d already had Gabe and I, my other siblings from my father’s first marriage were already much older- I thought she was crazy, having this kid.”

“Cas-”

“For my fourteenth birthday, my father decided to take us on a vacation, just the four of us, a sort of last hurrah before the baby was born. It was due in two months. We went to the Grand Canyon, like the true tourists we were, even in our own country.” Cas pauses, flipping the page in his book. He’s barely even blinked. Dean’s heart is in his throat. “Dad and Gabe left to get dinner. We were supposed to go out, but mother wasn’t feeling well. She insisted we go without her, but none of us were having that. So dad took Gabe and left me with her. She got worse as they were gone. The nearest grocery store was a ten minute drive, I knew it would be a while before they got back. I didn’t know what to do. I asked her what I should do. She said she was fine. When she started bleeding, she told me to call an ambulance. I did so. I sat with her, and she screamed, and screamed. I didn’t know what to do, I was fourteen.

“The ambulance got there, but my father was still gone. This was before the age of cellphones, so I didn’t think, I just got in the ambulance, didn’t leave a note… The paramedics told me to get back as they cut through her clothes, trying to look at her, pressing on her stomach. She wouldn’t stop screaming. We got to the hospital and I was told I couldn’t go past a certain point as they took her through a couple of doors. I was never one to listen. I sneaked through and found her room. I could see through a small portion of glass in the door, and I saw as my brother was born, but I heard no cries. I heard nothing from my mother, either. I burst into the room, and a nurse turned and whipped me out faster than I could comprehend. I was screaming, demanding to see her, telling the nurse that she was my mother and that was my sibling, and I needed them. But she just took me away, lead me down the hall. That was the day after I turned fourteen.”

“Cas-”

“I wanted to die. I wanted to see her again, to… to meet her in heaven, like my father said I one day would. I didn’t want to wait.” He pauses, looking up briefly from his book to check on the babies before he looks back at it. Dean is crying, he doesn’t know how to stop. “I tried to kill myself three months after she died. I was lucky. Gabriel found me in my room, just after I had jumped with the rope around my throat. He saved my life, and I’m eternally grateful to him. I’ve been watching you carefully, Dean. And you remind me of myself at fourteen.” He puts the book down and looks at Dean, eyes blank as they stare into his own. “I, more than possibly anyone else in the world, understand the pain you’re feeling. I know you don’t want to talk about it. I know that you may never want to talk about it. I also know about the scars on your chest and your back. Those I will never ask about, but know that I know they are there. Dean Winchester, you’re my best friend. You don’t have to tell me anything, ever. But know that I’m here if you need me, and know that I understand. I truly do.” Claire begins to cry, and Castiel stands, pulling her into his arms. He looks at Dean as he bounces her on his shoulder. Tears stream down Dean’s face and he desperately tries to wipe them away. He looks down at his hand and realizes that he’s bled through the gauze.

“Dammit,” he grumbles. He stands from the couch, moving to the kitchen and throwing the old gauze into the garbage before he gets more to wrap around his hand. “Dammit. Dammit, fucking- CHRIST! FUCK! FUCK!” he screams, whipping a glass across the room, raising his hands to the sides of his head, scratching at the skin there before moving his hands to wipe at the tears on his face. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he repeats like a mantra, not knowing what else to do. Ben is crying. When he turns, Castiel is wrapping him in a hug. Dean’s shaking, he can’t stop shaking, and he grasps onto Castiel like a lifeline. He can’t help it. When he finally lets go, he takes a shuddering breath before nodding his head, slowly but surely, and returning to the living room, pulling a crying Ben into his arms, trying to soothe him, trying to calm him… trying to pull his pathetic self together, and not knowing if he can.

………..

When Sam comes home, Dean can tell he’s about to ask about the wall, about his hand, but he just… stops. He thinks Castiel has something to do with it, but he doesn’t say anything either. Sam shrugs his bag off, going into his room and closing the door. Dean wets his lips, nodding to himself as he goes about the kitchen, cleaning and putting away dishes. Castiel is in his room, probably sleeping. Both the babies are sleeping, a miracle all on its own. Moments later, Gabe walks in, hanging his jacket up and coming into the kitchen.

“Sam and Castiel might be too pussy to call you out on your bullshit, but I’m not.”

“Excuse me?” Dean says, turning from the sink, brow furrowed.

“Dean. You’ve either been a complete mess or you’ve been trying way too fucking hard, and I’m sick to shit of it.”

“What the actual fuck, Gabe? Am I not allowed to grieve the fucking love of my life?”

“Christ, that’s not- it’s not what I’m saying at all. Dean, fucking grieve until the cows come home, I know I still am. But I’m not waking up at two am screaming and hurting myself and others. I’m not on the verge of panic all the time, I’m not busting fucking HOLES in the goddam walls. The way your grieving isn’t fucking healthy, for you or that baby. And especially not for your brother, who’s hurting just as much as you are.”

“So what the fuck should I do, Gabe? Shove it all inside and just fucking let it fester?” Dean says, trying to hard not to shout, because the last thing he wants or need is those two waking up.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Look, I got a number today, for a therapist-”

“You think I can afford to go to a fucking shrink? You think I NEED to go to a fucking shrink?”

“LISTEN TO ME!” Gabe snaps. He points at him. “YOU need to get your shit together, and be a father to that kid, as well as to Sam. Now I know that you didn’t ask for the added pressure of raising your brother, but you fucking well accepted it. And you aren’t setting the right example for him right now. You aren’t raising him right now. It’s been three months of shit and hell and I fucking get it, but Christ, you need to have these next three months be about coping healthily, and about coping with your brother, because God fucking- this woman, this Missouri, she’s wonderful. She’s the best of the best, I can assure you. She’s kind and she’ll never interrupt. She’s trained specifically in helping those who have lost someone from childbirth related deaths. Granted, she helps with a hell of a lot more than that, but it’s what she’s good at,” Gabe tells, him holding out a card.

“Christ, I feel like everyone is just telling me so many things, you just keeping shoving information down my throat, telling me things to try and make me feel better, but it just makes me feel worse! The more you try and help, the more I feel like I’m drowning! Of fucking course I would love to go and get help. I’d love to. But how the fuck am I supposed to go and sit with this woman, pay her for an hour, when I’m paying off Lisa’s medical bills, paying off my student loans, my debts, paying for rent, paying for a fucking baby- all on a paternal leave teacher’s salary? Where am I supposed to pull the time out of my ass to go and see this woman? Explain all of this to me, Gabe, and maybe I’ll fucking consider. More than anyone else, I know I’m a piece of shit, and I know I’m dragging all of you down, but you need to fucking listen to me when I tell you that I can’t get the help you think I need, because I just- I just fucking can’t,” Dean finishes. He feels… lighter. He knows it won’t last, and he knows the guilt will just pile on top of him soon enough for the words he’s spoken, but at least he’s said them. He lets out a shaky breath, his hands finally calming and dropping.

“Let me help you. Let Castiel, let Sam help you. We all care. We all want you to get better. Let me pay for the first session- I swear to Christ if you even think about opening your mouth, I will punch you so fucking hard. You just got it all out, and you don’t need to feel guilty about that, but listen- I know everything’s gone to shit, and I know you aren’t going to accept fuckall from me. But don’t think of this as me helping- think of it as a loan. Until you’re back on your feet, let me pay for your part of the rent and for therapy. Don’t open you mouth yet! It’s NOT me giving you money- you can pay me back.” His face falls and he lets out a huff. “I need you to let me help. You’re drowning, but so am I. I- I can’t breathe, Dean, I can’t breathe when I see you struggling when I KNOW I can help. You need to let me help, because I feel so fucking guilty, and I can’t fucking breathe.” Gabriel meets Dean’s eyes and Dean doesn’t know what to do. After a moment, he nods his head.

“Okay,” he breathes, barely audible. “Okay. But it’s- it’s a loan, okay? I’m gonna pay back every penny. I’ll get a second job if I have to-”

“Don’t worry about that. You can pay me whenever you can. Let me pay for the next year- don’t you sass me, Dean Winchester, that boy needs your money more than I do, I’m fuckin’ loaded.” Dean lets loose a small chuckle at that.

“I always forget how much you make.”

“More than you, that’s for damn sure. A gym teacher? What in the fuck were you thinking?” Gabriel jokes. It feels good. To joke.

“I don’t even know anymore, man. I don’t even know.”

“Look, just set up the appointment with Missouri. Go and see if you like her. If not, we keep looking. There’s no rush. You can take Ben with you, she loves babies, so you don’t need to feel like you’re burdening Castiel, which you aren’t, by the way. Please do this, Dean.”

“Yeah,” Dean says, reaching his hand out, “yeah, give me her card. I’ll call now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back? Back again? It's me, not Shady, I apologize for the disappointment. Life's been absolutely insane, I'm working like three jobs right now and this chapter has been sitting half finished for nearly a month. I hope you guys enjoyed it! Feel free to leave comments and kudos!


	8. Three weeks

Missouri Mosely is nothing that Dean had expected her to be. He thought she would a small, calm woman, the type of person who smiles softly and speaks even softer. Instead, when he enters that therapy room for the first time with Ben in his arms, he finds her to be larger than life, full of energy, loud and bubbly. Dean likes her instantly.

Their first session together is nothing that Dean expected. He was anticipating a lengthy conversation about his mental health and probing into his traumatic past. What actually happened was Dean telling Missouri about Ben and mooning over Sam, sharing all of Castiel’s accomplishments and telling her how cute Claire was before bringing out pictures. They talked like old friends. At the end of the session, Missouri leaned towards Dean.

“Now in this past hour, you’ve gone on and on about your family, how wonderful they are- which they truly seem to be, Dean. But not once have I heard anything about you. Why do you think that is?” she asks. Dean shrugs, shifting Ben to one arm as he reaches the other to rub the back of his neck. Missouri’s eyes follow the movement.

“I dunno, I guess I just have more to say about Ben and Sammy and Cas and everyone, y’know? They’re more interesting.” Missouri smiles.

“Everyone else always seems more interesting until they’re gone and you’re left alone, right?” she asks. Dean chews on his lower lip.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“They’re fine and dandy until they aren’t a distraction anymore, and you have nothing but your own thoughts.” Dean heaves a sigh.

“I was wondering when you would start analyzing my crazy,” he mumbles.

“You aren’t crazy, Dean. You just need a little help is all. We have ten minutes left in this session; would you like to talk about yourself for the last few minutes?” Dean takes a deep breath.

“I- I don’t know,” he admits. She smiles.

“We can take this at your own pace, there’s no need to rush. But I really would like to know about you, just the basics.” Dean nods.

“Yeah, I can do the basics.” That ends up launching him into a ten minute speech about his mom dying giving birth to Sam, his dad drinking himself to death, a passion for old cars, a love of rock and roll, his endless adoration of his students, and of course how much he enjoys pie. Missouri listens intently, hands clasped together as she nods along, laughing at certain things and staying quiet at others.

“Your parents passed when you were quite young.” It’s a statement, not a question.

“Yes,” Dean responds hesitantly.

“That’s a lot of weight to put on your shoulders. Why didn’t your father look after Sam when he was a baby?”

“He had just lost the love of his life, y’know. I get it more now- now that I’ve lost mine. You can’t do everyday things the same. Dad just couldn’t handle life, and who else was going to watch him?”

“Dean,” Missouri says, “you were ten years old and had lost a mother. Don’t you think you deserved some time to grieve her too?”

It’s the last thing that’s said within the time of their session. Dean thanks her and sets up an appointment for the next week. As he leaves with a squirming Ben, her last question won’t stop repeating itself. He doesn’t know what to think of it. At the time, he hadn’t grieved, he had just moved- moved to new houses whenever dad said to, moved around the house to clean, moved Sam to care for him, taking him to the church’s daycare on his way to school and picking him up on his way home, moved the alcohol to hide it from dad, moved himself into good grades and a scholarship and worked three other jobs all throughout to afford Sam and school and his life. He just moved and moved and moved, never a second to stop and think, and now that he is thinking, now that he has a free second, strapping Ben into his carseat, he realizes- he never grieved his mother. He cried, when his father told him she was gone, and that was it. He never got to have a second thought, there was a baby placed in his arms and his father was gone. There’s a lump rising in Dean’s throat as he pulls open the door of the Impala and sits down, moving his head to rest against the steering wheel. Ben coos from the backseat.

“Christ,” he mutters. He sits back up and shakes his head, taking deep breaths. “I’m not gonna fucking cry,” he says to himself. “I’m fucking done with crying. Fuck.” He sits up straight and puts the key in the ignition, driving himself out of the parking space and back towards his apartment. As he walks in the front door, he sets the carrier on the ground and takes the protective blanket off of the front of the carrier. Dean hates February, it’s always so fucking cold in February. At least it means his birthday’s done, though- officially twenty-seven and officially done with everything, though there was barely a celebration this year, thank God.

“How was the appointment?” Sam asks from the dining room. Dean lifts a squealing Ben from his seat as he kicks his arms and legs out, smiling happily.

“Ba abaaaa!” comes a shrieking from the floor. Dean turns with Ben and finds Claire grinning up at him with her gummy smile.

“Hello to you too!” Dean says and she shrieks again, falling down onto her stomach. Castiel smiles at him tiredly from the floor. Dean moves into the kitchen, beginning to undress Ben from his winter wear.

“It was good,” is all Dean says in reply to Sam.

“Just good?” Sam asks, raising an eyebrow. Dean huffs out a breath as he takes Ben’s coat off.

“Yeah, Sam, just good. I like her, she likes me, we’re eloping next week, say goodbye to your nephew,” Dean snaps out.

“Whoa, hostile much?” Sam says, glaring at his brother. Dean closes his eyes and raises his head to the ceiling, praying to any god that he can just get through these fucking teenage years.

“It’s my business, okay? What’s said between Missouri and I. I tell you everything, kid, but some things I need to keep to myself.” Sam huffs.

“Whatever,” he says, rising from the table with his books and heading back to his room.

“Can’t wait to deal with that again in another sixteen years,” Dean mutters as he carries Ben into the living room. Castiel barks out a laugh.

“Yeah, well at least yours is a boy- I have no idea what happens with teenage girls. Will I die?” Castiel asks, eyes wide.

“Probably,” Dean returns solemnly. They both break out in grins. “At least our shitty jobs are prepping us.”

“Indeed they are,” Castiel sighs. “Speaking of which, I had an idea.”

“Oh?” Dean says, finally managing to get that last damn boot off. God, it’s not like the kid needs to hide drugs yet, can’t they make it a little easier on the parents?

“I know the money situation is becoming… stressful for you, to say the least.” Dean licks his lips.

“Mhm,” he says, bending down to look at Ben, cooing at him. Ben laughs, looking up at Dean from his wobbling sitting position as Dean uses one hand to keep him in said position.

“I’ve done the calculations, and my paternity leave will get me out of work until two weeks before the end of exams, and I have a solid three weeks of sick leave. I was thinking- and this is just a thought, you can turn it down in a heartbeat if you want- you could go back to work, while I stay here and take care of these two.” Dean’s head snaps up.

“What?” he asks. “You- you would do that for me?” Castiel shrugs.

“It’s really what you’re doing for me- I still get my paid vacation, and the wonderful gift of having Ben in my company more often.”

“Cas, seriously- you’re my best friend, but I don’t expect you to take care of my kid.”

“I would love to take care of your kid, Dean. He’s an absolute delight. If you don’t want to go back to work yet, I completely understand- it was just an idea.” Dean licks his lips.

“I want to, yeah, but Ben-”

“Would be here with me. And we can look into if you can continue the rest of your parental leave at a different time. Say, September. You’d still have around 24 weeks of parental leave, if they allowed that to happen. They might just terminate the parental leave altogether, though, I really don’t know how it all works. But that’s not the point. I figured you’d be more comfortable returning to work, but I can do it and you can stay here, or we can both go back to work and hire a nanny or send them to daycare, or both of us can stay here. It was just a thought.” The words come out of his mouth in a rush and Dean can’t help but smile.

“What do you want to do, Cas?” he asks. Castiel looks down at Claire and smiles.

“I want to be here for this. All of this. All of the crazy nonsense that she spits at me.”

“And I desperately need to get out of this apartment. More than just walks and appointments and grocery shopping. I think I need to go back to work, Cas.” Castiel nods enthusiastically.

“And I can stay here and watch the babies. It would be good for all of us, Dean. I truly think this plan could work out well.”

“Me too, Cas. Me too. How about we talk about it tomorrow, get it all planned out? Or maybe tonight after dinner?”

“Sounds great.”

Sam and Gabe both have dates, leaving Dean and Castiel alone in the apartment with the babies. They’re sitting on the floor of the nursery, silently willing the kids to sleep, shoulders knocking and yawns being shared every few minutes.

“I can’t believe this is what I have to call a date now,” Dean jokes.

“Best date I’ve had in a while,” Castiel returns through a yawn. Dean snorts.

“After the she-devil I’m not even surprised.”

“She really was a bitch. But I got a great kid out of it, so the she-devil was worth it.” Castiel raises his head slightly to get a glimpse into the crib. “Definitely worth it.” Dean smiles at his best friends before leaning his head against Castiel’s shoulder.

“I’m so fucking tired,” he whispers.

“Me too, Dean,” Castiel replies. “Me too.” When they hear soft snores rising from the cribs, they carefully stand from the floor, making their way out of the nursery and into the hall. Dean looks down the hallway where his bedroom is and flinches, hurriedly turning away and going to the kitchen instead. He grabs a chair and goes to the very top of the highest cupboard, rummages around for a moment, and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. Castiel whistles. “How long have you been hiding that?”

“Shockingly, I found it hidden up here when we moved in. Figured I’d leave it for the right occasion,” Dean tells him.

“And this is?”

“Of course,” Dean tells him, “I love getting smashed on fake dates with my best friend.” He grins, and Castiel returns it. Dean looks at the remnants of the pizza the two of them had ordered in on the table and decides to ignore it. “Fuck it,” he mutters to himself, climbing down off the chair and taking the unopened cap off the bottle. He puts it to his lips and tips it back. “Smooth as fuck, holy SHIT.” He passes the bottle to Castiel, who takes a small sip, eyes widening.

“Who was hiding that? It’s delicious,” Castiel states. Dean can’t help but laugh.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard alcohol described as delicious. Actually, scratch that, one time Lisa was really fucking drunk and said her Daiquiri was ‘pure, sweet delicious in a cup’ and I nearly pissed myself I was laughing so hard.” Castiel chuckles, taking another swig.

“Are we not even classy enough for glasses?”

“I haven’t been classy enough for glasses since my first college girlfriend. The one before Lisa.”

“So the bottle it is,” Castiel confirms, passing it back to Dean. They stayed like that for a while, leaning on the counter and passing the bottle back and forth. Eventually, they make it out to the living room, shoved up against each other on the couch. At some point Castiel threw one leg over Dean’s lap and belched, the room becoming dead silent as they waited for screaming. When none came, a sigh of relief was had.

“I’m going to a- to a shrink,” Dean tells Castiel. Castiel nods along enthusiastically. “I fucking shrink, man. I don’t- I don’t need a SHRINK, do I?”

“I dunno, man, you seemed to like her today,” Castiel inputs. Dean nods.

“Yeah, like, she’s really nice, but- fuck, Cas, I think I need a shrink. Shit.”

“Why?” Castiel asks, the word coming out slowly and slurred. Dean shakes his head.

“There’s just so much up here, y’know?” he asks, tapping his head with the bottle. “Like with Azazel with I was- was a kid. Y’know, with the- the torture shit, y’know? Gotta- gotta fuckin’ protect Sammy, gotta fuckin’ save ‘im, cause- cause dad doesn’t know SHIT, y’know? But you can’t tell ‘im, cause he’ll worry. Kid’s a wo- worrier.”

“I don’t think I’ll remember anything to tell him-” he burps again “-Dean.”

“Good, cause this shit is like, super fuckin heavy for a kid, right? Like super fuckin heavy. Three weeks in that basement wasn’t fu- fuckin- shit, what’s that word for fun?”

“Fun?”

“Holy shit you’re a genius. Yeah, fun. It wasn’t- it was three weeks, man.” There are tears in his eyes. “It was- it was-” All of a sudden he can’t breathe, he’s hunched over his knees, eyes wide, and he can’t breathe. “Cas-”

“Dean? Shit, shit- wha- Dean, are you okay? Fuck,” Cas’s voice is slurred and he fumbles with his hands as he tries to grip Dean’s shoulders.

“He had a knife- and- and he fucking- my chest, Cas, my fucking CHEST! And- and- and my shoulders, and he- my legs, and I can’t- I can’t even go to the be- beach, fuck, my head- my throat, Cas I can’t BREATHE! He- he promised if I paid for dad’s debt Sam wouldn’t- Cas, I can’t breathe, there’s- there’s- Cas, please, please,” his voice is broken as the sobs start to leave his body. “Please, Cas, please help me, please- get me out GET ME OUT!”

“Dean!” Cas yells, and it’s a goddam miracle there’s no screaming. Castiel has Dean’s face in his hands, and he’s looking in eyes. “You’re here. I’m here. You’re safe. I’m keeping you safe, Dean. I’ll watch over you. I’ll always protect you, Dean. Always.” Dean knows he’s choking, he can’t breathe so he must be choking and God it hurts, his chest is so tight and his throat is so raw and it HURTS- “Dean! You need to look at me, Dean, please. You’re here, with me.” Castiel forces Dean to look into his eyes, thumbs brushing the sides of his face. “I need you, I’ll protect you- I’m HERE, Dean, in front of y- you.” Dean takes a shuddering breath in, and another, another. Eventually he knows he’s breathing and eventually he’s stopped crying. Castiel keeps his arm around his friend as he leans into him, one hand grasping desperately at Castiel’s while the other holds him to the couch.

“Cas?” Dean asks.

“Yeah, Dean?” he replies, hand slowly moving up and down Dean’s arm.

“I’m so tired.”

“Me too.”

“Cas?”

“Yeah, Dean?”

“I wanna go to bed.”

“Me too.”

And with that, they both drunkenly stand, leaning on one another as they stumble down the hall to Dean’s room. Dean kicks his pants off and throws his shirt against the wall, collapsing on the bed. He groans as he pulls the covers up over himself. He feels a heavy weight drop next to him.

“Cas?” he asks, blinking stupidly.

“Yeah?” he hears, close, much too close.

“Don’t- don’t take all the fuckin’ covers, ‘kay?”

“Yeah, okay Dean,” Castiel says, ripping the covers back on his side and grabbing Dean by the midsection, pulling himself closer.

“Fuck off,” Dean grumbles.

“Shut up, you’re warm,” Castiel returns, inhaling deeply.

“I wanna be the fuckin’ big spoon.”

“Fuck you, I get to be big spoon, I helped you and I- fuckin’- I’m big spoon.” Dean huffs, but doesn’t say anything further as he pulls the covers up further.

“Cas?”

“What?”

“Thanks.”

“I won’t r- remember, it’s fine.”

“But thanks anyway, Cas.”

“You’re welcome, Dean. G’night.”

“Night, Cas.”

Gabriel finds them an hour later- it’s 10:30 at night, there’s an open three fourths empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table, pants in the hallway, and for some godforsaken reason a belt on his doorknob. When he walks into Dean’s room his hand immediately covers his mouth to keep him from screeching like a banshee.

“Oh fuck no.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno man, I wanted serious, then it went kinda funny, then it got sad, and I don't know how it all ended up. What do you guys think?


	9. To much alcohol? Probably

When Sam walks in the front door of the apartment, he finds Gabriel pacing back and forth down the hallway furiously. Sam drops his bag on the floor, loudly, and Gabriel turns towards him, panic on his face. He realizes who it is and immediately smooths his features, an incredibly fake smile plastered across his face.

“Sammy! Ole buddy. Ole pal. How was that date? Tap that ass? Good, good, okay, nice chat, time for bed!” Gabriel says, moving behind Sam and pushing him towards his bedroom door.

“What the fuck- Gabe, what are you doing?” Sam demands, turning to the side and watching as Gabriel trips over his own feet, quickly righting himself, his left leg bouncing incessantly.

“Nothing, absolutely nothing, can’t a guy just stand here and try and get some exercise in his own apartment?” He laughs throughout his next sentence. “Sam, you and your suspicious nature.” He shakes his head. “I’m FINE. Completely AWESOME. Now go to bed.” He’s behind Sam again, pushing the ever growing teen down the hall.

“Wha- Gabe, stop it! Stop!” Sam pushes back against him and whoa, when did the sasquatch get strong? Gabriel stepped back, hands quickly raising.

“Fair, fair. I see your point, I really do, but just go to sleep. You need your beauty sleep. Wouldn’t want that girlfriend of yours thinking you got fugly all over one missed night of sleep. Off you go!” Gabriel says cheerily, motioning for Sam to move to his room. Sam looks around suspiciously.

“What are you hiding?”

“Hiding? What? Who’s hiding? What you gotta be so suspicious, Sam, seriously? No one’s hiding anything, I’m completely fine, now go to bed.” Sam gives Gabriel a long stare before moving into the kitchen, opening the cupboards and then the fridge. “Sam! As your elder, I command you to go to sleep!”

“Fuck off, Gabriel.”

“Also an excellent plan! I’ll be sure to fuck off just as soon as you head on into dreamland and fuck a weird looking fruit. Off you go, you scoundrel!”

“What are you hiding?” Sam asks, leering over Gabriel. The other man raises his hands once more.

“Nothing, nothing at all. What would I have to hide? Nothing. Nothing!” Sam cranes his neck over Gabriel’s head.

“Where’s Dean?”

“Dean who?”

Sam shoves past Gabriel, who continually steps in front of him as he moves down the hallway.

“Sam! Buddy, pal, let’s think about this, huh? Dean needs his rest, being a new father and all, and- Jesus Christ, I never got you a gym membership!” Gabriel places a hand on Sam’s chest, face dead serious. “Sam.” Sam is taken aback, eyebrow raised. “Sam, I’m pregnant.” Disgusted, Sam pushed him away, continuing down to Dean’s room. “Sam, please, you don’t wanna go in there!” Gabriel whispers from behind him. Sam opens the door, prepared to slam it against the wall, and stops. He slowly turns around, the door clicking closed behind him. He walks past Gabriel, picking his bag up off of the floor and going to his bedroom door.

“I think I’m going to bed.”

“Sam?”

“I never saw that. You never saw that. That didn’t happen.”

The door closes. Gabriel leans back against the wall.

“Well shit.”

………..

Dean’s mouth tastes fucking nasty. The only thing he can possibly compare it to is that one time in college when he was dared to lick something with a blindfold on and- well, he’s pretty sure that was nine kinds of illegal and he really doesn’t want to bring it up again. He groans, putting a hand on his forehead.

“What the fuck,” he moans, reaching out to the side to grab his alarm clock. His hand hits something warm and fleshy.

Definitely not his bedside table.

Dean opens his eyes, peering up from the pillow. He sees a shape next to him, a very human looking shape. He leans up on his elbow, realizing he has no shirt as he does so. Squinting, Dean rubs at his eyes. He peers at the figure, and-

“Fuck!” Dean yells, jumping and subsequently falling backwards, right out of the bed. He landed on the floor hard before scrambling back against the wall.

“Just five more minutes,” Cas mutters.

“Cas?” Dean asks, trying to stand from the floor. The other man rolls over on the bed and Dean can see his face clear as day. “You have got to be shitting me. You have got to be fucking shitting me.”

“Shut the fuck up,” Cas groans, throwing a pillow at Dean.

“Cas, wake up.”

“Not now, Jesus, the babies aren’t even crying.”

“CAS! Open your fucking eyes!” Cas looks pissed as fuck, but it turns to confusion when he realizes the colour of the wall, the colour of the sheets, and the unfamiliar bed beneath him.

“Dean? What- what’s going on? Jesus, those boxers are ridiculous. Dean, why aren’t I wearing any boxers? And a second question- why the fuck am I in your bed not wearing any boxers?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

“Fucking sue me, Cas, I’m in the same goddam boat as you! I just woke up and- fuck me, my head,” Dean moans, grabbing his head and swaying his way back to the bed, sitting with his head in his hands. There’s a beat of silence. Dean stiffens when he feels fingers on his back. He stands, forgetting his head for the moment, eyes pouring into Castiel’s. Cas is looking at him- Dean’s never seen that look.

“I don’t know what happened last night,” Castiel states.

“What the fuck was that?”

“But I feel… I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know,” Cas groans, throwing his face into a pillow. Dean sits back down, careful to angle himself away from Castiel. It feels awkward and uncomfortable, but what doesn’t feel awkward and uncomfortable right now?

“I think we need to try and retrace our steps. What can you remember?”

“I remember putting the kids to sleep, and then you got out that bottle and then… it’s all black after ten minutes of drinking.” Dean sighs.

“It’s the same for me.” The two of them sit in silence. Dean opens his mouth, closes it, and licks his lips. “What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know,” Castiel shakes his head. “I just don’t know what to think.”

“What if we- what if we did what both of us are thinking we did?”

“I don’t know.”

“Stop- saying you don’t know, Cas, it’s driving me fucking crazy.”

“I don’t know what else to say, Dean!”

“Christ,” Dean mutters, raising a hand to his face. “Christ.”

“What. What would your reaction be? If one of us remembered and it- happened.” Dean’s face pales.

“I can’t answer that, Cas. That’s- it’s asking too much, for me to be able to answer that question.”

“I just- would you freak out? Would you hate me? I don’t want to lose you, Dean.” Dean rubs his face, closing his eyes.

“What would your reaction be?”

“I don’t know,” he whispers.

“Shocker,” Dean snorts. Cas slaps his arm playfully.

“Shut up.” Both men’s smiles slowly slide off of their faces.

“I think we’re utterly fucked either way, Cas.”

“How so?”

“If we… y’know… we gotta figure shit out. But if we didn’t, now we both know that the other can’t answer that question.” Cas bites at his lip.

“Dean… you’re my best friend.”

“Really? I never would have guessed.”

“Shut up and let me talk, you dick. You’re my best friend, and I love you.” Dean’s heart shouldn’t be beating this fast. “And I think… I’ve always known… In college, I dated a lot. Girls… guys… some in between. I never knew what I wanted, and finally I decided that I shouldn’t be made to choose. You’re not a bad looking guy, Dean.” Curse his light skin and it’s eagerness to blush. “And if it happened… the only reasons I would regret would be that we were drunk, and that I know you aren’t even close to moving on from Lisa. I love you, Dean, because you’re a wonderful person. I would never risk our friendship. But if that did… happen… I’m really not sure how I would feel.”

“Goddam you and your brutal honesty,” Dean mutters. Cas snorts.

“Being raised with Gabriel someone had to tell the truth once in a while.” Dean shakes his head.

“I see.”

“What about you?” Castiel asks quietly. “What would you think?” Dean slams his eyes closed, not looking at Castiel.

“I…” he takes a deep breath. “I want to be… truthful. I think I need to learn to start telling the truth, being as painfully honest as you are.”

“Dick.”

“Asshole.” Dean pauses, still not looking at Castiel. “I think it would be a mistake, if it happened.” Dean can feel the lies that those words are swimming in. He can almost see them, right in front of him, and he can feel something in the back of his mind screaming out LIARLIARLIAR. He can’t bear to look at Castiel.

“Okay.”

“What?”

“Okay, Dean. I understand. We don’t even know if it did happen. We don’t need to- to worry, I don’t think. If we can’t remember, nothing too bad could’ve happened, right?”

“Weren’t you watching The Hangover the other day?”

“Pretty sure I’m not missing a tooth.”

“We haven’t checked the bathroom for a tiger yet, though.”

“Fair point.” They’re smiling easily at each other now, and Dean can feel something inside of himself. A tightness, something that’s screaming at him to be let out. Something that he wants to go away. He doesn’t like the feeling, he doesn’t need to word vomit it out. He pushes it down.

“Cas?”

“Yes, Dean?”

“I… I don’t know.” Dean stands from the bed, making his way across the room. He cracks the door open, peering down the hallway. The coast appears to be clear. When he turns to call Cas, he blushes furiously, quickly turning his head away as he sees the man pulling his underwear on. Dean blows out a breath, feeling that something curling around his stomach, making it’s way to his throat, trying to force itself out. Dean bites his lip. Hard.

“I’ll check on the kids,” Cas says gruffly, sliding out the door with a handful of clothes. Dean closes the door behind him, going to his bed and flopping down. He clenches his hands into fists, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to stop this feeling from rising. He bites at his lip, trying to take deep breaths, but they only come out as shaky. He loved Lisa. Loves her. More than himself. Almost more than anything. He wanted to be with her for the rest of his life, have more kids, fall in love with her again and again every time he saw her. But he also knows that this… something has been there from the second he looked at Castiel all those years ago, and it scares the shit out of him. He’s felt this something and immediately shoved it aside, because he loved Lisa, and he was with her and they were happy.

But now… she’s gone. And Dean’s lost. And he’s feeling too much pain to try and trample this down in his mind, and he’s afraid that this something is going to surface.

What the fuck is he supposed to do?

There’s a knock on his door and he moans as a greeting.

“Hey fucker,” Gabriel greets back. He closes the door and walks to the bed, sitting down beside Dean. “We need to talk.”

“About?”

“About the overwhelming amount of naked you and my brother shared last night.” Dean is sitting up immediately, hating himself for the pounding it causes in his head, but needing to know what Gabriel knows.

“What do you know?”

“Whoa, whoa, take it easy. I came in and found the place pantsed to all hell, and then you and my ass naked brother were all cuddly in your bed.”

“So you don’t know if we-?”

“If you what?” Dean makes hand gestures. “Oh, if you fucked each other’s brains out?” Dean winces. “Yeah, I have no clue. Guessing you don’t know either?” Dean shakes his head, sighing. “Well. That’s unfortunate. Bye!” Gabriel is out of the room before Dean can say another word. He flops back down on the bed, heels of his hands pressing into his eyes.

“Fuck! Fucking- fuck.” He squeezes his eyes shut, wishing the world would just disappear.


	10. Words to live by

Gabe leaves for work. Sam leaves for school. Dean thanks whatever god is out there that he didn’t have to face his brother and that Gabriel, the nosy bastard, has to leave as well. He tosses back Advil and Tylenol and hopes to Christ that it works, because if not it’s going to be one hell of a day. When Dean pulls on his jeans and a t shirt, quietly padding out of the bedroom and into the hallway, he opens the door to the nursery to find it empty. When he makes his way to the living room, one hand rubbing at his tired eyes, he sees the babies on the floor together with the pen set up around them. The whiskey bottle is gone and the room looks tidied. It’s as if nothing happened, and while Dean still isn’t completely sure on what exactly happened last night, he remembers saying Azazel’s name and that’s damn well enough for him to know just how badly he fucked up. He heaves a sigh and turns from his cooing son, focusing on the kitchen and the clanging noises that are ringing out. Dean carefully steps closer, peeking into the room, and sees Castiel bustling about in that efficient way that he does, throwing dishes in the sink and drying others, moving on to scrub the ones that are ready and keeping himself busy.

“Need a hand?” Dean asks, and Castiel jumps. He turns to face him, eyes wide and a hand on his chest. Dean snickers at the expression on his face, which immediately sours.

“Not from you,” Castiel grumbles, turning back to the sink. Dean rolls his eyes and crosses the room, taking up the drying portion of the job and putting away the dishes as they came. They work in silence, a strangely comfortable silence, and when the job is done they move wordlessly to the living room, as if nothing has happened and they both aren’t having unthinkable thoughts about the night before and what it could likely mean for their future and whatever awkward conversation will come out of it.

“Should we talk?” Dean hedges, and Castiel heaves a sigh.

“Probably. But you seem to have forgotten that while I make incredible speeches from time to time-” Dean snorts at this; “-I’m just as emotionally constipated as you are.” Dean nods, knowing exactly what he means from past experiences with the man, and he knows that it used to be especially true when Meg was involved, as she was all about being open with all of her strange and fucked up feelings, while Castiel went along with it, too afraid to speak his own mind and tell her what he was really feeling. If he had owned up to it back then, he may not be in the situation he’s in now, however, she would have left either way, and Dean thinks that while the way she left was painful, it has given Castiel an incredible gift and helped in innumerable ways.

Dean leans back against the couch, blowing out a long breath, hands fidgeting in his lap. Castiel remains as is, eyes locked on the playful babies as they reach above them for the toys hanging from the bar on the play gate. Dean opens one eye and looks at Castiel, the light washing over his face from the living room window, the snow falling behind him, the warm glow in his cheeks… Dean bites his lip and sits forwards again, shaking his head before putting it in his hands. Castiel still hasn’t moved.

“Last night,” Castiel begins, and Dean is sitting straight, eyes boring into his friend’s. “-you mentioned the name Azazel. I don’t remember why it was important, but I remember that you were panicking. And I don’t want to pry, I don’t want to make you tell me, but I think you need to tell someone, because based on what I _can_ remember from last night, it’s something that’s hurting you to keep inside. So if you want to talk to me, which you don’t have to, or if you want to talk to Gabe or Sam, or Missouri, who is the best equipped to deal with whatever this may be, it wouldn’t be a burden to us, it would just be lightening to you. Okay?” Dean can feels the fingers crawling up his back, making their to his throat, and he knows he can’t speak and he knows he shouldn’t try, so he just nods. Castiel nods back before turning back to the kids. Dean’s fingers drum against his leg and his foot begins to tap.

He stands from the couch and picks Ben up, going into the nursery and closing the door.

……….

Six days later he’s at another meeting with Missouri, Ben once again on his lap. He’s said his customary hellos and Missouri has made googly eyes at Ben. The two are seated. Missouri in her chair with her clipboard, Dean on the chair opposite her with his baby. Before Missouri can speak, Dean does.

“I want to tell you something,” he blurts out. She nods, gesturing for him to go on. “I- I don’t mean to be rude, I just want to say it before I lose the nerve and decide that it’s a stupid thing to talk about or something.”

“Nothing is stupid to talk about, Dean. Go ahead and tell me whatever you wish to.” Dean lets out a shaky sigh, hands tightening around Ben, who is fast asleep, as hoped, as they had planned this meeting around his scheduled naptime.

“Last week, actually, the night after our first session, my brother went out on a date, and so did my roommate Gabe, which left me and Cas alone with the babies, who fell asleep really early. We started drinking, just because we could, since they were asleep, and… I don’t really know what happened after that, but the next morning we woke up in my bed.” Missouri nods. Dean nods. He doesn’t know what he was expecting her to do. “Well, we tried to talk about- about our options, and he said if we, y’know, did what we’re all thinking, he wouldn’t really be… upset. And I said I think it’s a mistake.”

“But you don’t really think it would have been a mistake?”

“Exactly,” Dean says, taking another deep breath. He leans back against the couch. “But I don’t feel like I was lying to him. I just… wasn’t ready to be honest. It’s not the lying I feel bad about, and it’s not even the feelings I might have, it’s…”

“The guilt you feel because of Lisa.”

“Yes! Yes. She was- is- the love of my life, and I’m not over her, I don’t know if I ever will be, but I know that right now… I can’t even think that something happened with me and Cas. I just can’t.”

“That’s completely normal, Dean. The healing process takes a long time, and sometimes things that would regularly be good happen and it’s a mistake. We all make them. In your case, neither of you seem to know whether or not the mistake was even made. You seem to be handling all of this quite well, actually, and I commend you on that.”

“Yeah, that’s because my mind has been focusing on something else all week,” Dean mutters.

“And that’s what you really want to talk to me about.” Damn this lady is good.

“Yeah,” Dean grumbles.

“You don’t have to say anything today, or ever, Dean, but I encourage you to if you think it will make you feel any better about whatever the situation is.” Dean nods. They sit in silence briefly until Dean sits up straighter, eyes on the floor.

“Cas remembers me mentioning Azazel.” He pauses, and Missouri writes something down, presumably the name. “And he says he remembers I was panicking. And he told me I should talk to someone about it. So I want to talk to you about it, because it’s… it’s really bad. And I’ve been carrying it for so long. And I don’t-” His voice breaks. “I don’t know what to do anymore! I don’t know how to keep it in, and I don’t know how to let it out without hurting someone!”

“You won’t hurt me, Dean. This is my job. Helping you is my job, and whatever you need to tell me, I’m here to listen, and I’m here to get you through this. Okay?” Dean nods, angrily wiping at his eyes. He sighs, licking at his lips and sitting back against the couch once more.

“When I was nineteen, I was in charge of my little brother after my dad died. He uh, he was a drinker and a gambler, and he didn’t have a lot to lose. So he made this bet with this guy, and soon he was out of money, and he was wasted, and he… he offered to sell him one of his kids for a week. He knew the guy was messed up and he knew the business he ran, and he made the deal.” Missouri is nodding along, gesturing for Dean to keep going, her face expressionless. “Well my dad just kept going, until he owed the guy all his money and one of his kids for three weeks. The guy said he’d be by to collect his debt within the next year. And one day, a while after dad died, he just… showed up. We had moved since then and I don’t even know how he had out address, but he did.

“He-” Dean stops, clenching his teeth together. “Sam answered the door, and he tried to take him. I got Sam back inside, and he looked me up and down, and he- he said ‘a little older than I like, but young enough’ and he snapped his fingers, and I… I don’t remember what happened, but I woke up in a basement, and there were these… these ropes, on my wrists, and I wasn’t wearing a shirt, and… fuck. I. I- fuck. He kept me there. For three weeks. He told me everythi- ing my dad had said, and he kept telling me he’d take Sam if I wasn’t good.” Dean’s voice is barely audible.

“I paid that debt,” he says, looking up from the floor. “I paid it in fucking blood. And I kept Sam safe, and I- I kept- I did everything I could. I- he let me go. After three weeks. They found me in a back alley and they took me to the hospital. I had lost a lot of blood and I was dehydrated, but I was alive. Sam was in a foster home. He was only nine. They tried to get me to testify against the guy. I told them his name, but they said they knew who I was talking about and it was an alias. I told them all I could, and they thanked me for my time. I was let out of the hospital two days later, and I went to get Sam, and I never told him what happened. I think he forgot about it.” Dean goes quiet. Missouri doesn’t say a word.

“Six months later I got a call saying they got him and they wanted me to testify. We had left Sioux Falls by then. I’d transferred colleges and Sam was happy, he had lots of friends, he loved his school, the both of us liked our shitty little apartment. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t make myself do it. They told me they wouldn’t force me to testify, they told me they had more than enough evidence. It went to trial. It turned out they didn’t have as much evidence as they thought. I followed the entire thing online every day, checking the news sites and hoping to God that everything would work out.

“He got off. The jury found him not guilty, said there wasn’t enough evidence, that none of the victims could identify anything but his voice and that it wasn’t good enough, anyone could put on that voice. I remember having to leave the room to go throw up. The prosecution never told me _why_ they needed me, they never really explained it. I was the only witness who had seen his face that was still alive. There had been another girl who described the same man, but he had died of cancer some years before, and I just… I never… I fucked it all up. He’s still out there, he’s still loose, all because I fucked up. I just wanted to protect Sam from all of the bullshit, but I hurt so many more people by staying quiet and I just… I’ll never forgive myself for it.” There are tears streaming down his face and he’s on the verge of a panic attack, gasping breaths leaving him as he tries to force more out, as he tries with all he has to make himself tell her everything. The word vomit won’t stop and he doesn’t want it to.

“If anyone else gets hurt be- because of him, it’s on me. It’s all on me, I fucked this up, I’m the one that fucked it all up.”

“No,” Missouri says, and there’s so much surety, so much overwhelming confidence in her voice, that Dean almost believes her. “You didn’t do this. If they really needed you, they would have made you go. You do not deserve to pile this on top of yourself. You are the bravest man I know. Do you understand me? Stop blaming yourself, Dean. I need you to do something for me right now.”

“Okay,” Dean whispers.

“Say ‘this is not my fault’. Say it.” Dean shakes his head. “You say it right now, because those are the truest words that you will ever say. Say them.” Dean opens his mouth and then closes it.

“This is not my fault,” he breathes.

“Again. Louder.”

“This is not my fault.”

“Again.”

“This is not my fault. It’s not. It’s my fault! It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault!” he sobs, burying his face into his son’s small body. “It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!”

When he looks up, he almost believes it.


	11. The Pond in the Moonlight

Three months later, Dean feels better.

Well, better-ish, as Gabriel has been saying to him.

Dean has gone back to work, Castiel staying home and watching his son. Dean still feels guilty over this, feels as though he should be at home with his son and not abandoning him with his best friend. Castiel continues to insist that he has no problem caring for both children and that he even enjoys it.

They don’t talk about that night. They haven’t mentioned it since it happened and as far as Dean is concerned, it never needs to be mentioned again.

Dean walks in the front door just after school, Sam-free and Gabe-free.

“Honey, I’m home!” he calls. Cas pokes his head out of the kitchen, that familiar stink eye scrunching up his face.

“You’re a real dick, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told,” Dean mutters, tossing his shoes on the rack (“We don’t need a rack, Cas” “How else are we supposed to keep dirt off the carpet?!” “I don’t know, a fucking VACUUM, maybe?”) and making his way to the living room where he knows Castiel has left their children.

“Hey big guy!” Dean crows, picking Ben up from the floor and raising him above his head. Ben coos and laughs, clapping his hands as Dean brings him back down. Dean nuzzles his face against his son’s neck and the boy place a wet kiss on his cheek. “What do you say we get you some Cheerios? Huh big man? Sound good?” Dean turns back to Cas, who’s paying him no mind while he cleans bottles.

“Where’s Claire?” Dean asks.

“Hm?” Cas responds, coming out of a trance. “Oh, she’s down for an early nap, she was very tired. Probably from waking me up at two this morning, I fell asleep reading with her on my lap.” Castiel chatters on about Claire’s sleep schedule as Dean puts Ben in his high chair and fills the tray with Cheerios, leaning back against the counter and nodding along to what Cas says, a smile across his lips the entire time. He can’t help but stare as Cas’s mouth, the way his eyes light up whenever he says Claire’s name, how damp his shirt has become since he’s started talking, splashing water all over himself, seemingly unable to stop gesturing about this and that.

“Dean? Dean?”

“Oh, uh, what? Sorry, zoned out.” Castiel frowns.

“If I’m that boring you don’t have to pretend to listen to my stories, Dean.”

“What? No! You’re far from boring, I’m just…” Dean waves his hand around. “Please, keep going. I like listening to you talk.” That seems to surprise Castiel, but he nods.

“I was just asking you if you think that we should go for dinner tonight, just the two of us. Neither of us has really been out since they were born and I know for a fact that Gabriel and Kali won’t be going out-”

“Oh, are they off again?”

“Yes,” Castiel sighs. “I’m surprised you haven’t seen him moping these last couple of days.” Dean shrugs.

“I’ve been busy with grading, the health portion always kills me because these kids either write three words or three pages.”

“Anyway, I figure that the two of us getting out to discuss schooling and the kids would be good and it would let me get some fresh air that didn’t involve keeping a toddler away from the salmonella infested duck pond.”

“I wouldn’t go so far as to say infested-”

“Dean, if you ever let my daughter TOUCH that water I will cut three of your finger tips off.”

“That… is very oddly specific.”

“So. Yes or no to tonight?”

“You asking me on a date, Cas?” Castiel narrows his eyes.

“I thought we weren’t discussing THAT.” Dean swallows harshly.

“We aren’t,” he mumbles, “’was a joke.” Castiel nods.

“I’ve already texted Gabriel. Be ready at six.”

………

The Impala slowly grumbles to silence as Dean turns the ignition, he and Castiel left sitting at the flickering lights of the shadiest burger joint in town.

“When I offered to let you pick the place I wasn’t imagining I would be going home with food poisoning,” Castiel mutters.

“Don’t be such a whiny bitch, Cas,” Dean says pointedly. “This place is owned by Benny’s wife, Andrea. It’s the best burger joint in town!”

“I will literally sue you if I go home with diarrhea.”

“Hey…” Dean mutters. “That only happened once… I promise you won’t get sick, okay?”

“Fine. I trust you.”

Four simple words that should be meaningless have left Dean with an ache in his heart. But that ache is nothing compared to what he feels when he thinks of Lisa. Cas is a nice thought, a safe thought. He’s a friend, he’s a provider for his child, but he’s not his lover. Can’t be, no matter where Dean’s mind may go. Whatever happened that night is in the past, and tonight is the future. This is a dinner with his friend, that’s all.

Calm down, Winchester, Jesus.

They enter and Dean waves happily at Andrea, who smiles at him and waves back before returning to the customer she’s currently speaking with. Dean turns and takes Cas down to- he stops himself. He pulls Cas in the opposite direction, to the other end of the diner, and picks a completely random booth. One that he didn’t take Lisa to on their first date and return to at least once a month for their favourite burgers. One that doesn’t have painful memories.

He sits with his back to Their Booth, all of his attention on Castiel.

“What, the other side of the restaurant isn’t acceptable?” Castiel chuckles. Dean raises a hand to the back of his neck and Cas seems to immediately understand. “I apologize. I think I’m just a little extra sleep deprived. Perhaps we should come back, do this another day-”

“No, we’re already here. Besides, I haven’t had a burger here in much too long.”

A waitress, not Andrea, who seems to really be getting into it with that customer, comes to take Dean and Castiel’s order.

Dean gets the biggest, greasiest burger there. Castiel is appalled at his choice, yet sighs and orders the exact same burger. Dean gets a milk shake while Castiel denies one for himself.

“You know we only have one bathroom, right? One bathroom and six people?”

“Eh, only four of the people use the bathroom, what’s the harm?” Dean laughs.

“The harm is that we’re both going to be shitting ourselves later and rock-paper-scissors who gets the bathroom and who liquid shits in the sink,” Castiel says, trying -and failing- to keep a straight face.

“If I can hear you say the words ‘liquid shits’ again and record it to be my ringtone, I will gladly take the sink,” Dean guffaws.

“Can I get that in writing?” Castiel chuckles.

“Here you go,” the server says, interrupting them to place Dean’s milkshake in front of him.

“Yessss!” he exclaims, taking a long sip. “Fuck this is good.” He licks his lips and notices Castiel staring at him. Cas blinks, shaking his head. He reaches forwards and swipes the milkshake from Dean. “Hey!”

“Fuck you, I want to at least try some.” Dean crosses his arms over his chest, grumbling to himself as Castiel chugs down at least a fourth of the milkshake. “That’s a damn decent milkshake.”

“Maybe you should have thought about that beforehand and ordered one for yourself.”

“Maybe it’s more fun to steal yours, dickhead.”

“Don’t call me a dickhead, you’re a dickhead!”

“Oh, very clever, just call me what I called you, well done.”

“Shut up and give me my shake!”

“Take it from me.” Dean purses his lips, narrowing his eyes. He sighs, deflated, and crumples back in his booth, putting a hand over his eyes. He sees Cas hesitate, his brow lowering. “Dean?” he asks. “What is it, are you okay?” Dean waves him off.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine, I’m just… Lisa and I used to come here all the time, y’know? And it just brings back a lot of memories…”

“Oh, Dean,” Castiel reaches his arm out. Dean lowers his hand and snatches the milkshake away, bringing it to his lips and chugging it as fast as he can.

“HA! Take that, sucker! One fake sob story and you drop your guard!”

“You absolute ass!” Cas fumes.

“Hey, it’s not my fault you can’t tell the biggest faker in the world when you see him.”

“That sentence wasn’t even proper English.”

“I’m too excited about winning to care.”

Dean gets his hamburger first. He’s already halfway done by the time that Castiel gets his. They finish their meal and Dean has a quick conversation with Andrea before they head out and get in the Impala.

“I desperately do not want to go back to that apartment and watch Dr. Sexy with Gabriel for the next week.”

“I would have rather given him real money than our agreement to have only Dr. Sexy on the TV for a week.”

“I mean, Dr. Sexy isn’t that bad…” Dean mumbles. Castiel rolls his eyes.

“We all know how much you love it, Dean.”

“Pfft. No. I. Don’t. Gosh, Cas. I just. I only watch- okay, I love it.” Castiel laughs outright at that, taking Dean aback. “All right Mr. Adventure, where are you wanting to go?”

“I know a place.”

With some rights and some lefts, Castiel takes Dean to a parking lot and leads him across a trail that is clearly known to him, while Dean is tripping over routes and keeping his hands straight out in front of him. Eventually Castiel takes pity on him, turning around to take Dean’s hand and guide him in the dark of the woods.

The meadow spreads out in front of Dean as if he’s in a movie.

The pond with the light of the moon glimmering before him, the trees with their freshly budding leaves, branching swaying gently in the breeze. It smells like spring, it feels like peace. Dean takes a deep breath, eyes closing, and turns towards Cas with a grin.

He sees that Cas is already looking at him and the smile slowly fades from his face as their eyes connect. Dean reaches a hand out to touch Castiel’s face, feeling the stubble that sits there. Castiel closes his eyes.

Dean leans in, closing his eyes as he goes.

Here he feels free.

He feels as if anything is possible.

He feels Castiel’s lips against his own.

It feels right.

When he pulls back, Castiel is smiling, and he can feel himself smiling as well. But the smile fades. He blinks, his brow creasing, stepping away from his best friend. He puts a hand over his eyes, sliding down to his mouth. No. He’s not ready.

“I’m not ready,” he finds himself saying. Castiel does not move forwards.

“As long as you know that one day you will be, I’ll be here. I’ll always be here for you, Dean, as long as you will have me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long story short, I had cancer, so I was a little busy.
> 
> I made a tumblr for my shitty fanfic, check it out, I'll be using it to post updates. Feel free to send me a message.
> 
> https://fab-elsey.tumblr.com/


	12. Immoral

It’s June 23rd and school is out.

Dean is free to go home and spend as much time with his son as he wants… for a few days. He’s been speaking with Bobby and they have an arrangement that Dean will be going to work for him at the garage he owns. One of the only good things that John Winchester ever did for Dean was teaching him how to fix cars.

But for now, Dean is focusing on spending time with his family. With his seven month old son and his seventeen year old brother. With his friends and his family.

He’s sitting in the apartment, feet up on the coffee table, beer in hand, when Castiel comes back in from his and the kids’ walk in the park. Dean smiles at him and Castiel smiles back. Dean gets up and picks up Claire from her spot in the double stroller, balancing her in one arm before getting Ben in the other. Ben squeals in delight and smacks Dean in the face, who blows up his cheeks and goes cross-eyed in response. Ben claps his hands, a gleeful laugh leaving him.

Castiel takes Claire, setting her on the floor. She pulls herself to her feet on Dean’s pant leg, looking up at him and pouncing her legs up and down.

“God, it never gets old,” Dean says.

“When she starts running it will,” Castiel mutters, turning to fold up the stroller and place it behind the door. Dean chuckles, setting Ben down next to her. He crawls his way up the hall, screaming happily the entire time. Dean takes the diaper bag from Cas, following Ben down the hall and opening the door to the nursery.

“You have any dirty diapers in here?” Dean calls.

“No,” Castiel calls back. “Hungry?”

“If you’re making something I’ll eat it,” Dean yells, picking Ben up from the nursery floor and walking back to the kitchen.

“Where’s Sam?” Castiel asks, picking up dishes from around the kitchen. Dean sits down in a chair.

“He’s going to Jess’s house. Seemed worried, said she ‘needed to talk’. I told him it was fine, but you know teenagers,” Dean rolls his eyes.

“Oh, I do,” Castiel chuckles.

“Cookies?” Dean asks. Castiel nods, grabbing ingredients from shelves. “Oh man, now I’m excited!” Ben claps and Dean pulls him over his head, making funny faces as Ben beams down at him.

“They’re chocolate chip,” Castiel tells him.

“You really know me, Cas. You really do.”

“Anything for you,” Castiel mutters. Dean doesn’t respond. He knows what’s behind those words and he’s not sure what he can say in response. He swallows, averting his eyes from Castiel’s back as he mixes the ingredients together.

The front door slams. Dean jumps.

“Sam?” he calls, scooching back in his chair. There’s no response. Dean hears stomping footsteps and sees Sam fly past the kitchen, going to his room and slamming the door. Castiel looks from Dean to the hallway and back. He raises an eyebrow. Dean shrugs, kissing Ben on the forehead before he sets him down in the closed off area of the living room that Claire is in. He stands and waves at Dean, who waves back as he moves down the hallway.

He lightly knocks on Sam’s door. “Hey, you okay?” There’s no response. Dean knocks again. He sighs, opening the door a crack. “I’m coming in.” Still no response. Opening the door all the way, Dean steps past Sam’s discarded schoolbag, closing the door behind himself and making his way to his brother’s bed. Sam is face down as close the wall as he can get. Dean sits down, head in his hands. He runs his hands down his face and lets out a raspberry.

“Rough day?” Sam doesn’t respond. Dean shifts himself so he’s lying next to his brother, ankles crossed and fingers intertwined over his middle. He looks over at his floppy-haired brother and frowns, chewing on his lip. “Something happen with Jess?” Still nothing. Dean lets out a breath through his nose.

He reaches his hand over and places it on Sam’s back, running his fingers up and down his back, up into Sam’s hair, around his shoulders. He feels his brother relax, just like when he was a kid. Dean sighs. He remembers on the bad nights when dad would come home yelling and punching and Dean would escape up to his room with Sam crawling into bed next to him and he would trace his fingers up and down his back, through his hair, around his shoulders…

Sam rolls onto his side. He looks like he’s been crying, but his eyes are hard and dry now.

“What’s wrong, buddy?” Dean questions. Sam lowers his eyes. “Dude. I’m not your dad. I’m your brother. Come on.” Sam bites at his lip.

“But you are like my dad,” he says, flicking his eyes up and then back down again. “Dad never would have done that, tried to make me feel better. Saved for my college, fed me, cared about me. You’re more of a parent than he ever was.” Dean’s eyes move around the room before he looks back at his brother again. Sam won’t meet his eyes.

“What happened?” Dean asks. Sam rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling, shaggy hair partially covering his eyes.

“Jess and I talked.” Dean is quiet, waiting for Sam to say more. “She. Uh. She’s. Dean. She’s. Pregnant.” Dean feels his heart stutter.

“She’s WHAT?” Sam flinches.

“She’s pregnant,” he whispers meekly. Dean stands from the bed, running his hands through his hair. He paces back and forth before stopping, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Dean breathes out heavily, licking at his lips.

“Pregnant?” he says slowly. Sam, who is now sitting cross-legged on his bed, nods. “And what exactly is the plan here?” Sam’s Adam’s apple bobs up and down.

“I don’t know,” Sam mumbles.

“You don’t what?”

“I don’t know!” he yells. He buries his head in his hands. “I was always careful, Dean, I swear, I always wore a condom, I was always careful- how could this have happened?”

“Always?” Dean asks.

“What?”

“You always wore a condom? Every time? Was she on the pill.” Sam lowers his head.

“Yes.”

“Every time?” Sam opens his mouth and then closes it. He looks away. Dean shakes his head, running his hands through his hair once more.

“For FUCK’S sake, Sam! Fuck! What the fuck are you going to do, huh?”

“Dean, please, it was an accident, I’m sorry-”

“Who else knows?”

“She hasn’t told her parents.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“Just us,” Sam says. He shakes his head. “She doesn’t trust her friends with this kind of shit, so she told me, and she knew that I would tell you.”

“What are you going to do, Sam? I can’t help you with this.”

“Dean, please-”

“No, no, I have provided every opportunity for you, Sam, I’ve given up everything for you, Sam, I’ve gone through tor- I’ve lost so much. And I’m not losing you. You’re not going anywhere, but Sam, I can’t do this for you.”

“I’m not asking you to. I just. I need you, Dean.”

“I raised you, Sam. I love you and I gave up everything for you, but. I wanted more. I want more. I didn’t ask dad to fuck off and give you to me.”

“And I didn’t ask you to raise me!”

“I know, Sam, I know, and I’m not putting that on you, just- just let me talk. Having a kid young isn’t a good thing. Having a baby right now isn’t a good thing.”

“It was an accident!”

“An accident you can get rid of, Sam.” Sam’s head jerks back, brows furrowing as he stares at Dean, mouth agape.

“An- abortion? Dean, are you fucking kidding me? You want me to- to kill my own kid?”

“It’s not a kid, Sam, you know that better than me. You can have more kids. You can have more kids with HER if you want, Sam, but later. When you’re ready.”

“I’m not killing my own kid.”

“It’s not a kid!”

“Yes it is! It’s alive, it’s a life, it’s my kid, Dean, you can’t just say things like that. What if it was Ben? What if I was saying that about Ben?” Dean shakes his head.

“If I was your age I wouldn’t have wanted him, Sam. I would have pushed whoever I was with to get rid of it, because if I had a kid when I was your age, I wouldn’t have Ben now. I wouldn’t. And I never want to give him up and I never want to give you up. You’re throwing your life away!”

“But how do you know? How do you KNOW that?! How do you know this kid isn’t the best thing that will ever happen to me, Dean?”

“Because I know, Sam, I know about mistakes and I know about what they do to people.”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“How will you pay for everything?”

“I’ll get a job.”

“Where?”

“I don’t know, Dean, I’ll figure it out!” Dean sits down in front of Sam.

“I have to pay for Ben and Lisa’s medical bills. I have to pay for this apartment. I have to pay for my college debt. I have to pay for the Impala, for groceries, for Ben, for YOU! I can’t do it, Sam. Gabriel has been helping me these last months so that we didn’t start. Gabriel is the only thing keeping us going, and I’m sick to my stomach with it. You don’t have a Gabriel, because I’M your Gabriel and I can’t help you, Sam.”

“We’ll move out, we’ll have a life, we’ll raise the baby-”

“It’s a fetus, Sam!”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this to me, Dean! I can’t believe that you’re sitting here and telling me this horseshit and trying to feed to me that I have to convince my girlfriend to kill our fucking kid!”

“How do you even know that she’s the girl for you, Sam? How? You’ve been dating her for what, eight months?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know!”

“You’re too young for this.”

Sam’s phone goes off. He wipes at his eyes and Dean pretends not to notice. Sam’s phone lights up his face.

“We’re too young for this,” he mutters.

“What?” Dean asks.

“That’s… what she just said. She just sent me ‘we’re too young for this’.”

“Sam?” His phone goes off again. His face grows harder and harder with each passing text.

“She wants an abortion.”

“Sam.”

“Get out.”

“Sam-”

“GET OUT!”

Dean complies, leaving his brother’s room and closing the door. He hears something hit the wall. Castiel is at the end of the hallway, hands running over one another in front of his torso.

“What’s wrong? What happened? I heard yelling.”

“Uh. Yeah. There was an issue, but everything is okay now.”

“What happened?” Dean looks back at his brother’s room. He moves forwards, grabbing Castiel by the elbow and leading him into the kitchen.

“Jess is pregnant.”

“WHAT?”

“Shhhhh!” Dean shushes. “She’s getting an abortion, she just told him. He’s not taking it well.”

“Fuck,” Castiel mutters. “God, we were on such a good streak.”

“Right?” Dean replies, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. Dean licks his lips. He taps his foot on the floor, looking from Castiel to his feet and back.

“What?” Castiel asks. Dean chews his bottom lip and runs his tongue over his teeth. He watches as Castiel runs a hand through his hair.

“Nothing,” he says, keeping his arms tight across his chest. “It’s nothing. I’m just. Thinking. I don’t know.” He bites his tongue. He wants. He can’t. He can’t want. He can’t do that. Sam is suffering and he’s standing there thinking about. Things. That he can’t think about. Fuck.

A door opens and closes. Sam appears in the kitchen, looking exhausted.

“Can you drive me to Jessica’s?”

Uh oh.

“Yeah, buddy. Sure. Anything you need right now, okay?” Sam nods tersely. Dean looks back at Cas with a grimace and Cas raises his eyebrows, waving at him as Dean leaves. Dean goes to pick up Ben.

“You can’t bring him.”

“Excuse me?”

“You can’t bring him. I’m going to- and Jessica is-”

“Okay, okay.” Dean looks back at Cas.

“Yeah, go, it’s fine, I’ll watch him.” Dean nods and mouths thank you as he and Sam leave.

Sam is silent the entire drive over. He doesn’t say a word to Dean when he gets out of the car and knocks on Jess’s front door. She answers, they say a few words, and the two of them descend the steps to where Jess’s car is waiting. Dean does a u-turn and goes back to the apartment.

Castiel is on the couch. Neither of the kids are there.

Dean’s heart is in his throat. His stomach feels as if it’s dropping. He kicks off his boots and moves forwards, swallowing dryly. His pulse pounds in his head. Castiel looks up, glasses sliding down his nose as he looks up from his book. He takes the glasses off and sets the book aside.

“Dean, are you alright?” Castiel asks. Dean takes a step forwards, hands grabbing at his pants. He takes another step forwards and opens his mouth before closing it and rocking back on his heels, hands balling into fists at his side. Castiel starts to stand.

“No,” Dean rushes out. “Don’t. Get up. Don’t get up. I’m. Fine. I swear.” Castiel lowers himself back down, keeping his eyes on Dean. Dean can barely breathe, his chest is tight, his lower lip is practically raw from biting it, his stomach is in knots. He grinds his teeth together.

Dean strides across the room and grabs Castiel’s face in his hands, pressing their lips together. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean’s neck, pulling Dean onto his lap. Dean pulls at Castiel’s sweater, taking the ridiculous blue thing off. His pupils are blown, his breathing is heavy as he looks down at his best friend. Castiel’s chest is rising and falling heavily.

Dean presses himself closer, biting at Castiel’s lip, touching every piece of him he can. Castiel pulls him closer and flips them, Dean’s back landing against the couch as Castiel runs his hands under his shirt, biting down his neck, his collarbones, back up to his lips. Dean is frantic, breath hitching as Castiel’s cold fingers trace up and down his sides.

“What brought this on?” Castiel breathes in his ear.

“I couldn’t take it anymore,” Dean gasps.

“Take what?”

“I just wanted to touch you, I need to-” He stops, grabbing the back of Castiel’s head and forcing it down to meet his lips. Dean wants to be closer, he needs to be closer, he can’t-

Castiel gets off of him.

“What are you doing?” Dean asks. Castiel shakes his head.

“You still aren’t ready for this.”

“I am, Cas, please, I am-”

“I’m not her.”

“Cas. Don’t.”

“You miss her and I’m here, but I can’t replace her, Dean. You aren’t ready for this yet. You need more time. I can’t be her. I can’t.”

“Cas-”

“Not yet. You need more time. You need me as a friend and nothing more. I’m not going anywhere, Dean. If you need intimacy, I can give you platonic intimacy, but… nothing more. Okay?” Dean doesn’t respond, just lowers his head. He hears Castiel leave.

He fucked up. He fucked up so badly.


	13. Meg Masters

Sam doesn’t speak to anyone for weeks. Dean, Castiel, and Gabriel have tried talking to him, making him feel better, but he won’t say a word. He leaves the house early and comes home late. As far as Dean knows he’s broken up with Jess and hasn’t seen her since the appointment. Dean is giving him his space, trying not to be suffocating. He’s not the boy’s father, after all.

In Sam comes that evening, walking past Dean without a glance to his room, slamming the door behind him. Dean eyes Castiel on the other end of the couch and Gabriel huffs a sigh from the floor, both babies crawling on his lap, Claire tugging on his hair while Ben sits happily on one leg with a toy.

“Teenagers,” Gabriel mutters.

“He had to go through that ‘emo phase’ at some point,” Castiel points out, air quotes included.

“Come on, guys,” Dean sighs. “This is one of the worst things that’s happened to the kid. In comparison with the rest of his life, he thought she was ‘the one’. And he thinks that she ruined any chance he had of being happy with her.”

“Yeah, okay Mr. Romantic, why don’t you simmer down and shut the fuck up, because I’m about to kill that boy if he doesn’t get himself out of this depressive funk. It’s already August, for Christ’s sake,” Gabriel complains.

“You need to let him grieve this, Gabriel. What if he locks up these emotions and then never releases them? That would certainly be worse than getting them out in whatever way is working right now. Just. Let him deal with it,” Castiel offers. Gabriel rolls his eyes.

“There’s two babies in this house and they’re acting more mature than him,” Gabriel jabs.

“Alright, alright. That’s enough. I’ll try talking to him again, okay?” Dean says, rising from the couch. The setting sun catches in his eye as he stands. The end of a long day at work for Dean and Gabriel while Castiel continues to be somewhat of a house husband for them. He claims to enjoy it, but Dean still isn’t sure if this is just some kind of guilt.

Before Dean can knock on Sam’s bedroom door, it swings open. Sam seems surprised to see Dean standing there.

“What?” he asks, crossing his arms over his chest. Dean swallows harshly, clearing his throat.

“Just wondering if you wanted to talk about any of this yet,” Dean asks quietly. Sam snorts.

“Fuck off, Dean, you’ve made it very clear you aren’t my parent,” he scoffs, shouldering past his brother as he makes his way to the door. Sam grabs his coat and slams the front door behind him. Dean sighs, closing Sam’s bedroom door and making his way back to the living room.

“Well that wasn’t dramatic at all,” Gabriel quips.

“Shut it, Gabe,” Dean responds. “We’ll get him figured out.”

“Dean, man, you gotta make a decision here- and I don’t mean to be rude, I don’t- but what are you to him? Are you his brother, or his parent?” Gabriel asks. “If you keep saying you aren’t his parent, he’s going to keep brushing you off and slamming doors at all hours of the night. I get that you aren’t his dad, I get it- but he needs someone to be in control. He needs someone to put their foot down and tell him to smarten the fuck up. It can’t be me or Cas, you know he’ll just laugh us off. Regardless of what you think, that shitty kid respects the hell out of you.”

“Thanks for the speech, Braveheart,” Dean mutters, picking Ben up off Gabriel’s lap. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Gabriel raises his eyebrow. “I will. Really. I’m gonna take Ben out for a walk. It seems nice out. Cas, you want me to take Claire?” Castiel shakes his head no.

“I think Ms. Claire is going to be needing a bath while you’re gone. Have fun, though,” Castiel tells him.

“Sounds good,” Dean says, carrying Ben over to where the double stroller is. He sets Ben down in the front seat, attempting to fold up the back part to make it just a single stroller. Cursing, Dean hits the side to no avail. He hears a sigh and looks up to see Cas coming towards him, shooing Dean out of the way and snapping the stroller into place.

“You’re welcome,” Castiel says expectantly.

“Oh, why _thank you_ , your Majesty,” Dean retorts.

“Where’s my bow?” Castiel smirks. Dean gives him a small curtsy in response, getting a guffaw out of Gabriel. Castiel shorts, gesturing for Dean to head out.

Once outside on the sidewalk, Dean starts to relax. The air is warm and the sun is low in the sky. There’s a light breeze in the wind that ruffles through Dean’s hair. Ben laughs from the stroller as a dandelion fluff flies past him.

This is the life Dean wants. A life of laughing kids and him feeling at peace with the world. He wonders how long this moment will last.

Dean makes his way up the street and into the park. The streetlights are on and the sky is a murky red. Dean stops and sits on a bench, pulling Ben out of the stroller and onto his lap, making funny faces at the boy to his delight, shrill laughs coming from his mouth and clapping hands sticky with spit just inches from Dean’s face.

“Yeah, careful, I don’t want your goober all over me. No I don’t, no I don’t!” Dean croons. Ben grins his gummy smile, which is becoming toothier and toothier by the day. Dean feels torn about how fast his son is growing- he wants to see him grow up to be a happy and healthy man, see him live his life and be whoever he wants to be. But god is he cute this small. Dean never wants him to get big and not want to be around him anymore and be too cool for his dad. Dean wants him to be small and soft and squishy forever.

The bark of a laugh takes Dean out of his haze and he looks across the park to see- Sam? Dean scoots off the bench, pulling Ben and the stroller behind it.

“We’re in incognito mode, buddy,” Dean mumbles. “Oh my god I’m already a lame dad how did this happen so quickly.” Dean watches as Sam slings his arm around a dark-haired girl and plants a kiss on her cheek. Dean raises his eyebrows and looks at Ben in shock, who is sitting on the ground playing with mounds of dirt. Sam’s laughs continue, his now much too long hair falling in his face. Dean watches as Sam waves goodbye to the other people, walking away with the girl.

“Do we follow, Ben?” Ben grins up at him. “I don’t know how to take that, buddy. You really need to learn to talk some time.” Dean straps Ben into the stroller, looking across the park as Sam walks away hand-in-hand with the girl. He stops, chewing on his lower lip. “You know what, little buddy? I trust your uncle. I really do.” With that, Dean turns in the opposite direction, heading back home.

Later that night Dean is still awake. He yawns, checking the time on his phone. Just past midnight. Gabriel is passed out on Dean’s shoulder and he’s fairly certain that he can feel a puddle of drool warming the spot. He sighs to himself, glancing to his right to see Castiel asleep against the arm of the couch. He looks to the door as it quietly creaks open, Sam coming in slowly and closing it.

“Good evening,” Dean says and his brother jumps. Sam nods his head and makes his way towards his bedroom. “Hey,” Dean calls out, and Sam stops. “I know you’re busy being a shitty teenager or whatever, but the garbage Adrian Brody King Kong is on and I don’t think we’ve watched it together in a while.” Sam smiles softly at his brother and nods.

“Yeah,” he says, “yeah, that sounds really nice, actually.”

Sam settles in on the floor between Dean and Castiel’s legs. Dean can’t help the grin that comes to his face seeing his little brother watching King Kong with him again after all these years. The last time they watched it together was when Dean was around 21 and Sam wanted to watch his first horror movie, so Dean settled for showing him King Kong since _Jaws_ was “lame” (Dean still hasn’t forgiven the little shit for such shameful words).

Dean can’t stop yawning as the clock comes closer and closer to 1am. He really feels old now and it stings more than he expected it would.

His lids keep getting heavier and heavier.

The next thing he knows he’s being shaken awake by Sam.

“What? Who?”

“Dean, you fell asleep. You should go to bed before you get a crick in your neck,” Sam tells him.

“Who the fuck do you think I am? Old Man Willikers? Fuck off Sam.” Sam grins, shaking his head, his shaggy hair falling in his eyes. He leaves the living room with a shrug, clicking off the TV and tossing the remote on Gabriel, who awakes with a start his hands immediately flying into some karate pose.

“Fuck me,” he says instantly, standing from the couch and losing more and more clothes as he makes his way to his bedroom. Dean shudders at the thought. He shakes Castiel’s shoulder.

“Five more minutes,” the grown ass man mumbles, a crease in his eyebrows.

“Yeah, okay, let’s get you to bed, buddy,” Dean yawns. He stands, tugging Castiel to his feet with him. The other man leans against Dean, stumbling his way back to the room. He throws his shirt over a head with a yawn, tripping into the bed over the jeans he had partially pulled off. Dean snorts, shaking his head and making his way to his own room.

He gets into bed fully clothed, dropping off instantly.

The next morning Dean wakes to a baby crying.

Walking from his room and into the nursery he finds Claire awake while Ben is still fast asleep. Dean doesn’t know how over all the noise that she’s making. He scoops the girl into his arms, taking her to the changing table to get her a fresh diaper before he heads to the kitchen to start boiling the water for her and Ben’s bottles.

Yawning, Dean pulls his phone out of his pocket, which has been vibrating since he picked Claire up.

“‘Sam Winchester has tagged you in a photo,’” he reads to himself. Frowning, Dean sets the phone down, starting the pot boiling and bouncing Claire in his arms before he picks the phone back up. He clicks his way into opening Facebook, also known to him as The Devil’s App, and sees a shit ton of notifications. He clicks one and is brought to a picture with more than two hundred likes and fifty shares.

“What the fuck?” Dean mutters. He sees a picture of himself, mouth agape, passed out on Castiel’s shoulder, one arm resting on his lap and the other draped behind his shoulders.

“‘Family,’” is the caption Dean reads at the top of the picture, which brings a smile to his face. He sees that this has mostly been liked and shared by the students at his school and a few faculty members. When he scrolls down to the comments, there are things like “Mr. Winchester-Novak” and winks, lots of hearts, and a few “Glad to see you doing better Mr. W!!!!!” on the photo. One comment, however, catches his interest more than the rest, and puts what feels like ice in veins.

One thing that Dean and his family agreed on was no pictures of the babies on the internet. There are so many gross people out there and so many bad things that could happen- they all agreed that the best thing was to leave the cuties off the internet and just keep the picture swapping to messenger. If any friends or family decided to post to the website, they would politely ask it to be removed, and if it came to it, report the photo.

_Loverboy’s finally getting the action he wanted- but where’s my baby???_

The comment was sent by Meg Masters.

Dean’s mouth is dry. He can feel himself gripping Claire closer to himself than before, his heart pounding. Damn Cas for never going on facebook and not removing that heinous bitch from his friend list. Hell, Dean’s pretty sure that it still says he’s married to her on his profile.

A very gruff Castiel walks into the kitchen holding Ben in his arms.

Dean’s phone pings at him.

_You have one unread message from Meg Masters._

“We have a problem, Cas.”


	14. Time Travel

“I cannot believe that you still have that bitch on Facebook, Cas, what the actual fuck?!” Dean whisper-yells, trying his best to keep his cool for the sake of his son.

“It’s a place to connect with people and I didn’t want to break a connection to someone-”

“You forgot you have Facebook, didn’t you?”

“…yes.”

“Dammit, Cas!”

“It’s not my fault, Dean, no one ever says anything to me on that godforsaken site so I just left it! I haven’t even had a notification since Meg left, she was the only person who interacted with me! I have my whole family in this apartment, so yes, I forgot I had Facebook. Sue me!” Castiel shoots back.

“Yeah, well, sue yourself, because the fucking dragon lady is active as hell and I’m sure as shit not going to open the string of messages she’s left me in the past three and a half minutes!” Dean glances at his phone in his free hand- seven unread messenger messages. Dear lord.

“Oh my God what are we going to do?” Castiel mutters, sitting at the dining room table. He places Ben on the floor and passes him a napkin from the table. The baby picks it up and starts shrieking happily, ripping pieces off and throwing them all around. Dean sets Claire down and moves to sit next to Castiel.

“We’re just gonna… figure this out. Like we always do. We’re productive. We can handle this.”

“She has parental rights, Dean, she can take her away, I never filed for divorce, I- I never terminated her parental rights, _what are we going to do_?”

“Cas she left right after the baby was born, she never wanted her, you don’t even know what these messages are about! They could be her saying she’s not paying you child support or- or it could be her telling you she’s moved on!”

“Then why is she messaging you and not me?” Castiel asks. Dean falters at that one. “It’s because she knows that you look at what people send you and that you’ll actually read the messages. If she wanted to gloat and point out how superior she is and tell me terrible things about me she would message _me_ , Dean, not you!”

“Cas, Cas, you need to breathe, okay? It’s fine, you’re fine. If she really wanted the baby back, she would call. Look, I’m not going to open these messages. I’m not. It’s just going to stress both of us out. Messaging on Facebook means nothing. I’m going to delete her comment and block her and it will all stop because she’s _not serious_. If she was, she’d be calling or knocking down our door. Casually stalking on Facebook means she wants attention and nothing more. Delete her from your friends and block her. I’ll show you how. It’s all _fine_.” Castiel nods, taking a deep breath and settling further back into the chair.

………..

There are times in one’s life where you can’t tell the people you care about most what’s going on. No matter how much you want to walk up to them and yell and scream and sob you can’t because they have too much going on to be able to even process the shit you’re about to drop on them. Some people would say that that’s selfish of the other person to not be able to listen and help to heal, that if they’re so consumed by their own issues, why would you even speak to them?

But Gabriel knows that no matter how much he feels he needs Dean and Castiel at this moment, he can’t go to them, he can’t tell them what he wants to.

He and Kali have been dating for almost a year. They started dating when Lisa was still expecting and they kept dating after Lisa died. Gabriel missed Lisa. Gabriel would go to Kali’s apartment and break down and sob in her arms because he missed her so much. Gabriel and Lisa had damn near become what Dean and Castiel are. While Dean and Castiel plowed through coffee in the morning, Gabriel and Lisa were sneaking sugary snacks in the spare bedroom. Lisa loved Dr. Sexy just as much as Gabriel and, unlike Dean, was actually willing to sit down and hardcore marathon it with him. Sure, Dean would settle down for a few episodes, but Lisa would be by her friend’s side all night.

When Lisa died Gabriel fell apart. Dean didn’t see it. Castiel didn’t see it. But Kali did. Kali has of course had her share of pain in their relationship; mental health problems, family spats, her cat passed at one point. But there was never anything as big as Gabriel experienced when he lost Lisa. She had been his best friend. Dean and Castiel didn’t recognize that when she died because they couldn’t. Dean was too busy holding himself together for Ben and Castiel was too busy holding himself together for Claire and Dean. Gabriel had to be strong for the both of them because they both lost their wives and they both had these two new lives to care for.

But Gabriel didn’t need to be strong for Kali. Kali understood. And no matter how many fights they had and no matter how much they seemed to be on again off again to Gabriel’s family, who just didn’t understand that they both like their space, they were in love.

And so when Gabriel walks into Kali’s apartment and sees her staring blankly at the floor with tears tracking down her face, he knows that his time has come and gone. All those times that Kali helped him were going to be repaid.

So he thinks.

And then he hears.

And he sits next to her, arm around her shoulders, frozen, not knowing how to feel, not knowing how to react. She leans into his shoulder and she sobs. And the tears fall down his face too because it’s all too much. Everything is too much. All of this weight he has to carry is too much.

Gabriel spends three days in Kali’s apartment before going back home.

When he arrives Dean and Castiel are sitting on the couch.

“Gabe, you aren’t going to _believe_ what happened while you were gone,” is Dean’s opening line. Gabriel loosens his tie and sits on the comfy chair next to the couch, elbows on his knees and hands running over his face and through his hair.

“Hit me,” Gabriel says, bringing the only smile he can manage to his face. And so Dean fills Gabriel in on the events of Meg and Facebook and Sam’s handiwork that got them all into this situation. Sam protests and Dean throws a pillow at them and despite the fact that Meg could come back for her baby, they all laugh as they start joking around with each other.

Gabriel can feel it in his gut. He wants to rush to the bathroom and throw up. He wants to leave. They’re all happy. They’re finally laughing and joking and happy with their lives and their babies and Gabriel doesn’t get that, he doesn’t get to joke and laugh because his best friend is dead and his

“Kali miscarried my baby,” he finds himself saying. He can’t feel his hands. There’s a numb buzzing at the back of his head. His eyes blink but it feels like it takes four months for them to open and then close again. “I spent the last three days with her while they removed the rest of the fetus and while she cried after. Lisa was my best friend and she’s gone and I had a son and he’s gone. I think I’m going to go lie down.” Gabriel stands and turns away from his brother, heading down the hall. He can feel his heartbeat, slow, slow, slower. His pulse is rushing in his ears. Is he breathing? Every breath is heavy and slow. So slow.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and everything is fast, rushing towards him, a bus slamming into his gut. His breath hitches and he can feel, he can feel it all in his arms and in his stomach and his eyes and wet and so much is happening and he’s breathing but it’s _fast_.

………..

Castiel closes Gabriel’s door behind himself as he steps into the hallway, Dean waiting with the babies in his arms.

“How is he?” Dean asks, bouncing himself to keep the babies happy and cooing.

“He fell asleep,” Castiel says, rubbing a hand at the back of his neck.

“I bet,” Dean mumbles. Castiel takes Claire from Dean, holding her close and pressing his nose against her head, mumbling to her as he sways. “Did you have any idea?”

“No,” Castiel responds. “He was doing so well… I had no clue. I figured he was fine, going to therapy or _something_ … but… I never bothered to ask. I was so consumed by Claire, I didn’t even ask…”

“None of us did,” Dean mutters.

The two stand for a moment longer before leaving Gabriel’s door and heading back to the living room. They sit with the babies as they always do.

“We’re caught,” Dean says. “We’re caught in some endless loop and I don’t know how to get out of it. We’re happy and then one of us is sad. We’re sad and Gabriel is happy. It’s. It’s all the same. Everything is the same. Everything is different but the same and I can’t. I don’t know how to feel.”

“All that matters is that you feel something,” Castiel says.

………..

It’s Claire’s second birthday.

Ben’s birthday is coming up and Claire’s is today. Dean can’t believe how fast their lives seem to be passing by them. Just yesterday Dean remembers Claire being the size of a football and now she’s walking and talking.

They celebrate in the park, Dean and Castiel with the two babies. They eat at a park bench, celebrating with sandwiches and cake. Claire shoves fistfuls into her face, making noises of contentment as icing gets into her hair and behind her ears. Dean can’t help but laugh at how ridiculous she looks and Castiel can’t help but take as many pictures of his daughter as humanly possible.

Claire opens her presents with a flourish, hugging the dragon stuffy close to her chest and excitedly waving the princess wand above her head, a gleeful smile never leaving her face. She and Ben toddle around the park, chasing after the ball that Claire had received, playing some version of soccer. Dean and Castiel sit next to each other at the picnic table, shoulders touching.

“Two years old,” Dean says.

“God, don’t remind me,” Castiel mutters. “I can’t believe that she’s _running_. It feels like yesterday she couldn’t support her own head!”

“How do you think I feel? Sam’s off at college and Ben’s birthday is just around the corner. I think we’re officially old, Cas,” Dean sighs.

“I refuse to accept it.” Castiel stands from the picnic table, taking Dean’s hand in his own and dragging him up with him. Hands still together, Castiel drags them across the field to where their toddlers are playing. The three of them play what is now known as The Princess and the Ball, Claire waving her wand and making Ben her slave that has to kick the ball wherever she wants him to. They’ll stop, Ben leaning down adorably and picking the ball up in his tiny hands and throwing it high, and Claire will watch in awe as it comes down and bounces.

Dean picks up the toy dragon and starts to chase them around, gleeful squeals leaving the children. Castiel scoops them into his arms and runs away from Dean with them before falling in the grass in defeat as the children tickle him into defeat. Next they move onto Dean, Princess Claire using her magic wand to turn Dean into a pony and leave the poor dragon alone. The two toddlers climb onto the great steed while he parades them around the park, Castiel covering his mouth to stifle the laughter while digging in his pocket for his camera.

Soon enough the sugar crash hits and the kids are beat.

Dean and Castiel gather up the supplies and leftovers and take the kids back to the Impala, making the drive back to their apartment.

The kids have their own rooms but they always sleep together in the room that use to be their nursery, Claire refusing to sleep in Uncle Gabe’s old room. Dean puts them down and tucks them in. When he leaves the bedroom, Castiel is in his own room across the hall putting away the camera that he had used all day to take pictures of the kids. Dean leans in the doorway.

Life is getting better. Gabriel moved out three months ago and into Kali’s apartment. Dean and Castiel are both back on their feet. Sam is happy and healthy. Everything is good. Quiet.

Six months ago Dean turned on the news to see that Alistair had been arrested and prosecuted on charges of sex trafficking, attempted murder, and rape. He had cried himself to sleep that night knowing that that man would be in jail for a long time, that Dean’s family was finally safe.

That was the true turning point in Dean’s life. When he was finally unafraid. And while he was stronger, braver, there was something that he had still yet to do.

And so he stands in Castiel’s doorway, arms crossed over his chest, watching his friend of many years carefully remove the batteries of his camera and put them in the charger, watching him take out the memory card and set it on his cabinet to use later to get the shots of the kids on his laptop, watched him pack away his camera into the stupidly expensive bag he had purchased and then place said bag in the spot that Castiel designates for it underneath his end table. But soon he crosses the room in slow, wandering steps, casually looking over the framed pictures around Castiel’s rooms, lightly touching the knickknacks he has displayed, smiling at the artwork. And when he turns back to his friend, his friend is looking at him as well.

Dean takes a step closer.

Castiel takes a step closer.

Within seconds the distance between them is gone. Dean reaches a hand up, slowly, gently, and traces the lines of Castiel’s face. The other man’s eyes flutter closed, his lips parting.

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel grumbles. Dean lets out a quick, breathy, laugh.

“Hey Cas,” he says. Castiel’s eyes open, the smile on his lips reaching them.

He leans into Dean, into his Dean, and finally closes the space between them.

Dean exhales into the kiss. Over the last nearly two years, this is what he’s been waiting for. The moment where this kiss isn’t full of guilt and pain. The moment where he and Castiel are one, where he and Castiel are more than themselves but never less than they are.

He’s been waiting for so long to feel complete.

Waiting so long to feel loved.

His hands move to Castiel’s hair, then slide down to his neck and to his back. Their arms are wrapped around each other, their bodies flush together.

Dean takes a stuttering breath and breaks apart, a contented smile resting on his lips.

“Hey,” Dean says, and Castiel bursts into laughter.

“Hey yourself,” he returns.

“Come around here often?” Dean asks.

“Mmm, not as much as I should,” Castiel whispers into Dean’s ear before pulling back and moving their lips together once more.

When they stumble back to Dean’s room, there is no doubt of what happened this time. And there is no regret.

………..

The next morning, nothing has changed and everything has changed. The colours on the walls seem brighter, the crying that comes from Dean’s son’s mouth as he waits for his breakfast seems less shrill, the repetitive task of pouring the same cereal and cutting up the same bananas for Ben that he does every day seems less monotonous.

All of these things that seem so mundane are suddenly that much better, and yet nothing has changed. Castiel still wanders into the kitchen with Claire in his arms, hair sticking up in all directions, pyjama bottoms slung low on his hips. Dean still smiles widely at his best friend and continues with his fatherly duties.

And yet everything is different while it is the same.

Because when Castiel passes by Dean to get the oatmeal mix, he pecks a kiss on Dean’s cheek. And as Castiel slides past him to get to the pantry Dean lightly touches his friend’s hand and Castiel turns to give him a warm smile. When they finish eating and the kids want to watch their morning show, Dean and Castiel sit on the couch side-by-side as they always do, but today Dean has his arm around Castiel’s shoulder while Castiel cuddles up next to the other man with his book in his hands and his glasses perched on his nose.

Everything is the same because doing a radical thing doesn’t mean that your world has to change. In this case what it means is that Dean and Castiel are best friends, as they always have been. That has not nor will it ever change. But now they are also so much more. Now they can enjoy what they enjoyed before in perfect clarity. How they feel for each other has not changed, has not evolved; it’s just been stated.

A statement that has the two of them grinning like idiots and hanging off of each other in their living room.

Dean begins to laugh at the thought of Gabriel finding out that they’ve become more than friends, that they’re finally a couple, and when he shares this thought with Castiel his friend pales.

“Oh God,” Castiel breathes. “We have to go back to how it was! I can’t spend the rest of my life with Gabriel grinning over my shoulder that he was _right_.” After a shared look, they both burst into hysterics, the kids joining in though they don’t know what’s so funny.

Dean can get used to this, he decides.

He can be happy.

In fact.

He decides that he _is_ happy.


	15. Revelation

Gabriel finds out immediately.

Sam comes home from work and walks in on Castiel and Dean sitting on the couch, Dean’s arm around Castiel’s shoulders.

“No,” Sam says.

“Sammy-” Dean starts. But it’s too late. His phone is already out. Dean is rising from the couch, tip-toeing past the babies, arms flailing as he tries to grab at Sam’s collar. “You can’t call him!”

“Gabriel!” Sam is yelling, one hand holding his phone to his ear and the other against Dean’s chest, pushing him back as Sam tries to retreat to his room. “Dean and Cas! Dean and CA-” Dean manages to knock the phone out of Sam’s hands, but even with that, he can hear the shriek coming from the phone.

“I was too late,” Dean says, dramatically falling to his knees. The kids immediately swarm him. “I WAS TOO LAAAAATE!” The kids shriek as he picks them up under his arms, falling onto his back with them falling on top of him.

“Sam, did you have to call him _immediately_?” Castiel sighs, closing his book and taking his glasses off, standing to put both on a high shelf on the bookcase.

“Did you two have you be so _obvious_?” Sam returns, putting his phone in his pocket.

“Hey, _you’re_ the one who’s home an hour early from work!” Dean says, standing with one kid under each arm, both upside down and shriek-giggling.

“Yeah, no. I’m on time. I got called in an hour early this morning, remember?” Sam says, picking Ben up from under Dean’s arm and sitting on the couch, Ben grabbing at handfuls of his hair.

“So,” Sam says as Dean sits crisscross applesauce on the floor, bouncing Claire up and down, “you guys are happy?” Dean sends a sidelong glance at Castiel, raising his eyebrow.

“I’d say so,” Dean says, breaking out into a goofy grin.

“Speak for yourself,” Castiel scoffs, “I’m living in a state of constant anxiety until Gabe gets here.”

………….

Gabriel arrives soaking wet wearing a poncho and what looks like heart underwear, complimented by his rubber boots with pictures of rubber ducks on them.

“Code mix ‘n’ match is a go?” Gabriel yells, throwing the poncho on the floor with a wet _thump_ and revealing a very much cut off Alanis Morrisette shirt underneath.

“Code… what?” Dean asks, jumping back from the dripping Gabriel with a look of disgust.

“Sam?” he asks, kicking off the boots and stepping inside, Dean closing the door behind him.

“I saw very clear cuddling,” Sam informs him gravely. A grin rises on Gabriel’s face, girlish giggles spilling from his lips. He bounces up and down, socks making a horrible squelching sound against the hardwood floor.

“So? Has there been virginal penetration?”

“Jesus H. _Christ_ , Gabe!” Castiel shouts, gathering Claire into his arms and disgustedly brushing past his brother, slamming the nursery door behind himself. Gabriel shrugs and sits himself down on the couch. A protest dies in Dean’s throat as the couch darkens with wet.

“Just invite yourself in and ruin my couch, why don’t you,” Dean sighs.

“Thank you, I think I will,” Gabriel says shortly. Dean sits down next to him, Sam slipping quietly from the room. Dean balances Ben on his lap, who is blabbing nonsense to the two of them, arms waving wildly as he tells his incomprehensible tale.

“Do you love him?” Gabriel asks, reading forwards and taking a sip of Dean’s water. Dean once again opens his mouth to object, and once again it dies in his throat as Gabriel noisily chugs down the rest of the drink.

“Couldn’t you have just absorbed some of the water pouring out of your ass and onto my couch?” Dean mutters.

“Ass water is nowhere near as good as tap water, Dean. Everyone knows that. Now, regarding my question…”

“Of course I do,” Dean says simply. “It’s more of a matter of… have I always loved him this way, even with… even with Lisa? Or has this grown into more?”

“But he’s not a rebound, right? He’s not just a bandage over your gaping heart wound? Because he deserves so much more than that, and I won’t let him settle for that,” Gabriel says, growing serious.

“Of course he isn’t,” Dean snaps. He sighs, running a hand through his hair before bringing Ben closer to him, cuddling his son to his chest. “If he was a rebound I… this has been going on for a long time, Gabe. There’s been a lot of… pushing back against it and stopping it and late night confessions that end in nothing. I’m ready, he’s ready. That’s why it’s happened now, and didn’t happen six months, even a year after Lisa’s death. I needed to know I wasn’t going to hurt him either.”

They sit in silence, Ben’s clapping and bubbly exclamations as he watches his show on the TV the only sounds in the room.

“Sam and I have been making bets on when you two would start fucking for over a year now,” Gabriel confesses.

“God, Gabe! Impressionable ears! I don’t want him to start dropping f-bombs because Uncle Gabe says it!” Dean exclaims, putting his hands over his son’s ears.

“Oh, sorry, _my bad_. Sam and I have been placing bets on when you would put your you know what in my brother’s thingy. Or vice versa, I guess.”

“My Immortal? Really? Is this the time? _Really_?” Dean sighs.

“Hey man, you sat through my dramatic reading once, I think you can deal with the occasional quote.”

“I’m not strong enough to bear it,” Dean says, dramatically throwing his head back to Ben’s delight. “I can’t believe my brother bet on my sex life.”

“I can’t believe it took _my_ brother this long to get actively involved in your sex life.” Dean snorts at this.

“I like how you said ‘actively’,” he laughs.

“Oh, if you think he wasn’t imaging green eyes and a pretty smile when he was jerkin’ that gerkin’, you would be sorely mistaken my friend,” Gabriel winks.

“Oh _god_.”

“Now, now, I don’t need a play-by-play of your lines in bed,” Gabriel smirks. Dean rolls his eyes.

“I’m just going to sit here quietly and not give you anymore ammunition,” he says, nodding to himself. The silence lasts for a moment, until Dean can feel the wet spreading from Gabriel’s ass to his own like some kind of air born STD.

“Okay,” Dean says, standing with Ben in his arms. “You need to go get out of those hideous boxers and into something dry, or I’m kicking you out.”

“Noooooo,” Gabriel moans. “You can’t kick me out! There’s a sink full of dishes from the last three days and Kali’s been on my ass to do them. I don’t wanna go back.”

“You’re more immature than my toddler,” Dean mutters.

Gabriel stands, shaking himself like a dog- much to Ben’s dislike. The boy lets loose a cry, wiping the water from his face.

“Now look what you’ve done! For fu- Gabe, just get something out of my closet! Jesus!” Dean exclaims, turning with Ben and going to the nursery. He finds Castiel on the floor with Claire running laps around the room. Dean sits next to his friend- well, his partner now, he supposes, a sniffling Ben still in his arms. He makes funny faces at the boy as he wipes the water droplets from his face. Soon he’s freed Ben from his arms, the brown haired boy joining Claire, chasing her around the room, much to her delight.

“Gabe the dick strikes again?” Castiel mutters. Dean sighs and nods, placing his head on Castiel’s shoulder.

“You know I love him and I’m grateful to him and he’s a great uncle to the kids. But lately he’s been driving me so nuts. What is up with him? It’s like his normal crazy is in overdrive,” Dean sighs.

“You’re right,” Castiel says thoughtfully. “Maybe he’s pushing himself onto our relationship because he’s struggling with his own?”

The door opens and a dry Gabriel slides in. Dean quickly straightens his head. Gabriel rushes at the toddlers, letting loose a yell as they shriek and giggle, hiding under the cribs. Gabriel pulls them out, wrapping them in a tight hug and spinning around.

Dean puts his head back onto Castiel’s shoulder. Gabriel turns to see them as such and winks, smiling.

………..

The babies are asleep, the sun lowered outside the open window. The chirp of crickets drifts in as the three men sit against that same nursery wall.

“Kali’s pregnant,” Gabriel whispers, breaking the silence between the three of them. Dean and Castiel quickly turn towards him, eyebrows high. “I know I’ve been a little… crazy. Well. Crazi _er_ than usual. My therapist says that it’s my defense mechanism when I’m under immense stress. Turns out she wasn’t shitting me.”

“Are you okay? Is she okay? How far along is she?” Castiel asks, the questions spilling from his mouth at full volume before he can stop himself, lowering his tone to a whisper as he finishes with, “You’re keeping it, right?”

“She’s okay. She’s better than me. I think it’s because she got to show her grief last time, you know? I couldn’t lean on her like she did on me, even though I really should have… this is getting really depressing, guys.”

“That’s okay, man. It’s what we’re here for,” Dean whispers, squeezing Gabriel’s thigh with a smile at his friend.

“She’s four months along. I wanted to tell you guys at twelve weeks but she wanted to wait until twenty. I owed you guys for my extra dickish behaviour, though. And we’re keeping it, ass clown. Of course we’re keeping it. It’s our baby,” Gabriel says, voice dropping even lower, his eyes following suit as he focuses on the small patch of floor in front of him, hands idly picking at the skin around his fingernails.

“This is great news, Gabe! Do you have a copy of the ultrasound?” Castiel asks. Gabriel nods, shifting his hips and pulling his wallet out. He prods around in it for a moment before producing a grainy grey image of a vaguely human shaped lump.

“She’s a beauty,” Dean whistles, angling the photo to try and get a better view from the faint light of the clown nightlight (Sam put up a stink about that, but Ben wouldn’t let go of the damn thing).

“She?” Gabriel says. “I think _he’s_ definitely a _handsome_ boy.”

“Isn’t it a little early to pressing gender roles onto it?” Castiel laughs.

“Was that a Monty Python quote?” Dean marvels. “I’m finally rubbing off on you!”

“Figuratively _and_ literally,” Gabriel says with an eyebrow waggle. Castiel smacks his brother’s arm, but can’t hide the smile that spreads across his face.

“I really don’t care what it is, though,” Gabriel murmurs. “As long as it’s alive.” That statement cuts Dean to the bone. He wraps an arm around Gabriel’s shoulder, pulling him into a hug on the floor.

“It’s gonna be fine this time, man. I promise. This time you guys are so on top of it and the doctors are so on top of it. It’s all going to be okay,” Dean reassures him. Gabriel squeezes him back, and Dean can feel Castiel join on the hug.

“Dean’s right,” Castiel says. “It’s going to be the cutest baby. And it’s going to be perfect.”

………..

Gabriel spends the night on their couch (Dean refuses him a blanket to cover the wet spot, telling him to suffer). Once Gabriel is out Castiel gives Kali an update. She’s very grateful, however was certain where her boyfriend had run off to in his heart boxers and ducky boots. Dean hangs up the phone, walking into the bedroom and flopping down next to Castiel, who looks down at Dean over his glasses, dropping his book onto his chest.

“Kali okay?” Castiel asks, moving the book to the end table as Dean places his head where the book previously rested, Castiel’s fingers running through the other man’s hair.

“She just seemed relieved to know where he was. Oh. I guess he could have slept in your old room,” Dean mumbles to himself. Castiel looses a laugh at that.

“Serves him right to sleep on a damp cushion after all of his dripping and hair shaking,” Castiel grins. Dean raises his eyes to look at Castiel, reaching upwards and grabbing Castiel’s glasses off his face. He throws them haphazardly across the room.

“Dean, no, those are expen-” Castiel starts, starting to rise, but Dean pulls him down into a kiss before he can get up.

Castiel reaches behind himself, hand scrabbling against the lamp as he struggles to flick it off.

Dean laces his hands in the other man’s hair, rolling with him and pressing deeper into the kiss.

He thinks that he can get used to going to bed like this every night.


End file.
